Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands feel that the end of their marriage is drawing near. This is often after a “break,” trial separation, or rough spot in their marriage. Much of the time, the wife doesn’t feel that it’s over for her. She still very much believes in her marriage and in their love for one another. That’s why she is often so very disappointed when her husband doesn’t move closer to her but instead begins to pull away. The wife is often determined to hang on until her husband very directly asks her to please let him go.  And if and when this does eventually happen, it can be heartbreaking.

I heard from a wife who said: “about seven months ago, my husband left home for a trial separation. I was very angry with him because we had been fighting for months, but I still did not want him to move out. He insisted that we could no longer live under the same roof so he left. In a very short period of time, I calmed down completely and I realized that our fights were over silly things that we were blowing way out of proportion. Without weeks, I was ready to roll up my sleeves and fix my marriage. I was willing to make concessions and cooperate with my husband so that we could come up with a solution where we could both be happy. However, I could never convince my husband to go along. We would occasionally see one another, mostly when I would take the initiative. We have shared a few laughs and had a few dinners together, but I never felt that we would reconcile any time soon. At the same time, I never thought that my husband would want to end it any time soon either. About six weeks ago, my husband said he had been thinking that maybe we needed to make our separation legal or permanent. I was devastated and very resistant. And I begged my husband to give it some time. He agreed. But he never made himself available to me. He would no longer take my calls nearly as much or welcome me when I came by. I got the very obvious impression that he was trying to distance himself from me. After a few weeks of not hearing anything from him, I went over to his apartment unannounced. He let me in but he would only sigh and say ‘please, you have got to let me go. I am asking you to let me go so that we don’t end up at each other’s throats.’ I was so upset I couldn’t even respond. I thought I had months before we even broached the topic of letting each other go. I am not prepared to let him go. Even the thought of it makes me feel ill. What can I do?” I will try my best to offer some insights that might help below.

Before I tell you my opinion, I have to tell you that by no means am I an expert. But I have been through this myself. And I know how badly it hurts. I understand that the thought of not having him in your life feels like the worst case scenario. But in this article, I am going to ask you to think more about the long term and less about the short term. Because quite often, if you can stop yourself from making very big mistakes in the immediate future, then you have the potential to gain a lot of ground in the distant future.

Let’s think for a minute about what you want the most. I suspect that you really want two things more than anything else: to not hurt as much and to have a chance of one day getting your husband back. Sometimes, you have to focus very hard on the first objective so that the second one can happen. And I know that this is a hard concept to embrace when things seem so immediate, but you will sometimes be rewarded for doing so. And frankly, the downside for not doing so is opening yourself up to more risk, at least in my opinion. I will discuss this more below.

Understand The Risk Of Continuing To Push When He’s Very Clearly Asked You Not To: I think most people would agree that it’s pretty clear here that the husband needed some space and time. Yes, the wife had already given him this during the separation, but pushing yourself on someone who has asked you to let them go is often not going to go well. I know that it is so hard to even conceive of backing up. Because when you fear losing what you love the most, then you want to grasp it even tighter. But sometimes, if you grasp it too tightly, you will break that fragile bit that remains.

I know that you may feel that if you can just talk to him at the right time or say the right words and make him understand, then perhaps this will all work out OK. I understand this thought process. I had it too. But all this thinking got me was a husband who wanted to get  far away from me. Honestly, it made my losing him much more likely, as is often the case.

Backing Off Is Not Always The Same As Giving Up: It is my opinion and experience that the best thing to do in this situation is to back off and give your spouse the time that he obviously wants. Does that mean that you have to give him up or let him go? I realize that some will disagree with me when I say no. It’s my belief that only you can decide when you are ready to do this. There are times when backing off and allowing your husband the time to miss you or allowing the time to change both of your perspectives may mean that you don’t have to let him go. But that is something that you will have to give some time in order to find out what is going to happen.

But for right now, backing off is going to help you accomplish one of your objectives. And it will give you the chance of accomplishing the second. I know that you think that it might be more painful to back off. But it’s my experience that no pain is greater than seeing the rejection written on his face when you are looking right at him. I put literal distance between my husband and I when things got to this point between us. At first I thought I might not survive it, but it turned out to be a very sound choice. We both got some perspective and I didn’t do something or act in a way that I would later regret.

Eventually my backing off lead to my husband being more receptive to me. It was a slow climb back to being happy together again, but that was fine with me as long as there was a chance. Sometimes, pressure is the worst thing that you can do to a relationship when it can feel like the only choice. Take some time to be deliberate with your response.

To answer the question posed, I believe that backing away can be a decent choice in this situation. It keeps you from acting rashly. It gives your husband the space that he obviously needs. And it also makes it appear as if you are in the beginning stages of letting go, even if you suspect that you might be buying some time. But I don’t think that you have to let anyone go until you make that decision on your own time and after you have more time to process this and see what might happen in the days to come.

Did I let my husband go even though he wanted me to?  No, I didn’t.  I bought myself some time instead.  Admittedly, there was a risk that my strategy wouldn’t work and that I would eventually be forced to let him go.  But I was only prepared to do this on my own time.  And, I put some distance between us so that this wouldn’t be an unhealthy situation for me.  I would certainly never tell you that this will always work.  But I believe that it’s better than pushing and making things works.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin