Leslie Cane Articles

By:  Leslie Cane:  It’s not uncommon for me to hear from wives who have serious doubts about a marital separation.  Often, it is the husband who is pushing to separate while the wife would like to try other measures to save the marriage.  Much of the time, the wife questions the husband’s motives in wanting a separation.

A wife said: “my husband told me that he thinks it’s necessary for us to separate because the spark is gone from our marriage.  He thinks that if we live apart, we will miss each other and this will reignite our chemistry.  While I agree that things have gotten a little stale between us, I don’t see the need for him to move out.  Part of me wonders if this isn’t just an excuse for him to get out of the marriage.  He says this isn’t the case.  So then why can’t we try to get the spark back without him moving out?  And what does he really mean when he says that we should just wait and see if and when sparks fly?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

What A Husband Means When He Says He Wants To See If A Separation Will Bring  Back The Spark: I didn’t know either person in this relationship, but I do hear from a lot of folks in this situation.  And the person who initiates the separation will sometimes admit that they are hoping to force some sparks.   Their theory is usually that once you are apart, you will hopefully start to think more favorably toward one another and therefore miss one another.  But, since you can’t be together, the sexual tension will build and build until the spark comes back.  This sounds like a simplistic theory, right?  But this is often their thought process.  And to be quite honest, they figure that if the spark doesn’t come back during the separation, then it might never come back, which means that the answer as to whether or not to end the marriage will become more clear.

That’s not to say that there aren’t some people who will use the “let’s see if we can get the spark back” excuse when they have no intention of even entertaining the thought of getting it back. But typically, there have been other problems in the marriage besides just the chemistry between you.  That wasn’t the case with this marriage. But what happens if you want to get the spark back but you don’t want to go through with the separation?  I’ll tell you below.

Can You Get The Spark Back Without Needing To Separate?: This is the question you’re likely asking yourself.  But getting your husband to believe that this is indeed possible can be a challenge.   You will often have more success if you show him rather than tell him.  So instead of saying things like “give me a chance and I’ll prove to you that we can get the spark back,” you want to just act in ways that will show him that it has already come back.

Now, it’s important that you are careful here.  You don’t want to appear as if you are not genuine and putting on an act.  Instead, you just want to be playful and draw on the long history that you have together.  See, you probably already know what turns your husband on, as it’s likely that you have known and loved this man for quite some time.  You likely know what has worked for you in the past.  This gives you a little bit of an advantage.  With that said, you don’t want to go overboard so that it’s obvious you’re only acting in the way that you are because your marriage is on the line.  It’s better to move slower than it is to overdo it.

What If You Try To Show Him The Spark Is Still There But Your Plan To Avoid The Separation Doesn’t Work?: Don’t panic.  The next step would be to offer a compromise.  You can offer to stay at a hotel or with friends for a few days in order to give him his space or some time to clear his head.  This way, he is getting what he wants, but you are not at the mercy of his whim and waiting for him to decide when or if he’s coming back home.   If you try all this and he still wants to move out, you still should not panic.

It’s not at all impossible to actually miss and desire your spouse when you’re separated.  In fact, you can often use the separation to your advantage. Once I learned this, it totally changed the way that I went about saving my marriage.  I made the time away from my marriage work for me rather than against me and there is no reason that you can’t do the same, as long as you don’t panic and assume the worst.

Honestly, there was no way that the spark was going to come back in the beginning stages of our separation because I was panicked and wasn’t acting in a way that would encourage it to come back.  It wasn’t until I used the separation to my advantage that things started to change dramatically.  Eventually, I  was able to use this process to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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