Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  When we marry our spouse, we vow to stand by them if they are sick or poor.  And I would say that the vast majority of the time, we mean it with all of our hearts.  Admittedly, many people marry when they are young and healthy, so most of us have trouble envisioning a time where we might be old, poor, or sick.

But when something unfortunate happens and one spouse becomes the caregiver or supporter of another, it can cause problems in your marriage even when, on the surface, everyone is doing everything right.  Even when one spouse steps up to the plate to provide their love and support, the spouse who needs that same support may become resistant, resentful, or full of sorrow.  And because of this, the spouse needing the help may pull away, believing that their spouse is better off without the responsibility of two people.

Someone might describe a situation like this one: “about eight months ago, my husband was diagnosed with a chronic disease.  Because of this, I have to administer some of his medical care and I also have to step up financially because he’s had to cut back his work hours.  This is stressful for my husband.  He says that it makes him feel like less of a man and it makes him feel guilty.  Sometimes, when I am caring for him, he can’t look me in the eye.  He says he feels ashamed, as if he has done something wrong. I have repeatedly told him that there is no shame in getting sick.  I told him that he can’t help it and that I know that if the roles were reversed, he would step up for me.  I know that without any doubt.  And I truly don’t have a problem being there for him.  In fact, I’m glad that I can do this for him.  Yes, I know that it is going to cause stress.  But I look at it like this: with care, my husband’s condition is manageable.  Yes, we will take a financial hit. But we are still together.  We are still both here.  We have many other things to be grateful for.  My husband tries to see it this way, but he is still frustrated.  Last night, he shocked me when he said that he wants me to leave him to separate for a while because he doesn’t want to be a burden to me.  I told him that this was silly and that if I left, who would care for him?  He said that he would hire someone to do it and that he wouldn’t feel as guilty because the caregiver would be paid and I could go on with my life.  He says he loves me so much he doesn’t want to hold me back.  This makes me very sad.  I have no intention to leave him.  I don’t want that.  But he has withdrawn so much and now he’s constantly asking me just to think about it.  What if he pushes me away when he needs me the most?”

I will try my best to offer what insights I can.  I’m certainly no expert, but I have seen a family member and a very good friend go through similar situations.  And I am sorry that you are going through this.  I have seen marriages evolve in different ways because of this. I’ve seen one marriage become stronger and one marriage fall apart.

In the marriage with my family member, this process has deteriorated the marriage.  The caregiving spouse is more than willing to help, but the person receiving the care has become bitter and a bit mean.  The caregiver is sticking it out though, but it is difficult to watch. The family member refuses counseling and will not accept care from anyone else.  So the caregiver has no opportunity to lighten his load from time to time.  However, since I know both people very well (as they are family) I know that the caregiver would never abandon the other.  No matter how rough things gets, he does not waiver.  Sometimes, it almost seems as the person receiving the care is trying to drive the other away, but he stands firm.  It is frustrating for me to watch this because there is no denying that this is a difficult situation.  But I wish that they’d consider counseling.  I suspect that a few adjustments could make things much better for both of them.

However, in the case of my friends’ marriage, it brought them closer together.  Their marriage is the envy of those who know them.  The person receiving the care does his best to remain upbeat and he constantly tells his wife that he doesn’t know what he would do without her.  From time to time, he insists that she go out with her friends in order to get a break and she does.  However, there was a time when he felt sorry for himself and he told his wife that he would understand if she decided that this isn’t what she signed up for and wanted to leave.  She lovingly told him that this was nonsense and to never mention it again, and he hasn’t.

So I think that, with the right adjustments and mindsets, this situation can work and it can actually enhance your marriage.  But both people have to be willing to work together to make that happen.

Many people do try to push their caregivers away in the beginning as sort of a test.  They feel terribly guilty about being a burden and so they tell the caregiver to leave, but they are desperately hoping that the caregiver refuses.  They are hoping that you will reassure them that you will not abandon them and that you do not see their care as a burden.  I think it’s very important to clear this up right away.

You might try something like: “honey, I appreciate that your concern is with me right now.  When you have all of this to deal with, you’re thinking not of your own well being, but of mine.  But I really can not say this clearly enough.  I am not going anywhere.  Because there is no where I want to be but with you.  Sure, the days ahead may require a little more of both of us.  But so what?  All marriages deal with hardship and if this is ours, then I’m more than willing to deal with it.  We are together.  We are alive.  And we will make the best of it.  Please don’t continue to suggest that I leave.  I have no intention of doing so.  I am here because I want to be here. And because I love you and want to be with you.”

Hopefully, this answer will mean you’ve passed your husband’s test.  He very well may be just looking for reassurance and he wants to see that you will not take the easy out.  I strongly encourage you to make sure that you are also taking care of yourself and building up your own support system.  Because this seems to be vital for the couple I know who are going through a similar situation.

I can tell you first hand that separations are often difficult and painful.  So you want to avoid this if you can.   I know because I had to work tirelessly to save my own marriage through a separation. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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