Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: year or so and have gotten nowhere, so now we can just communicate through our attorneys. This is awful because I really do want to save my marriage. I really did have every intention of going to counseling. But I don’t see how this is going to be possible if he won’t even talk to me. Why does he hate the idea of talking to me so much? Does he think that I might change his mind or something? How can I force him to talk to me?”

Why He Might Be Tight-Lipped: I supposed that he might be uncomfortable with the idea that you might TRY to change his mind. But he may be also telling you the truth when he says that he believes that there is little to talk about – at least for now. This is a very common reaction when the divorce filing is so fresh. People often struggle for a while while trying to come to this decision. They may wonder if it is the right decision or if it is the right time. So, when they finally make the decision, they may not want to discuss or debate it because doing so is just going to rehash the internal debate that they have already had. And yes, he may be afraid or concerned that you are going to try to sway him, but there is a long time between today and the time period that any divorce is likely to be finalized. You don’t need to have this conversation

You would think that when one spouse wants to divorce another, there would be plenty to talk about. After all, a divorce completely changes the lives of the two spouses. But it also can drastically change the life of the couple’s children, parents, and other extended family members. It is not a decision that many people take lightly.  In fact many people assume that it is not pursued until the couple has discussed it until there is just nothing left to talk about and there are no other words to say.

This isn’t always the case, though. Sometimes, you have a spouse who files for divorce and then totally and completely clams up. He won’t offer advance warning and when the other spouse tries to talk to him about this, he will avoid any conversation. Needless to say, many people just do not understand this or know how to respond.

For example, someone might say: “I can not say that I am completely blown away and shocked that my husband filed for divorce. I knew that it was a possibility. We have been having problems for about eighteen months. We have trust issues, financial issues, compatibility issues, and the list goes on and on. So I was fully aware that we might end up separated, at least for a while. But I did not anticipate that I would be facing a divorce. For the most part, my husband and I have tried to tackle our problems on our own. We have not sought professional help. So I figured that would be in the cards before my husband filed for divorce. Well, he filed anyway. He had me served at my work and when I try to call him to talk about this, he will not pick up. I actually went by his office and he had his receptionist tell me that he was busy. I’ve tried texting and leaving messages and I get nothing in return. I finally emailed him and asked if he just had no plans at all to discuss this. He finally wrote back saying that he felt that there was nothing to discuss. He said we’ve been talking for a year or so and have gotten nowhere, so now we can just communicate through our attorneys. This is awful because I really do want to save my marriage. I really did have every intention of going to counseling. But I don’t see how this is going to be possible if he won’t even talk to me. Why does he hate the idea of talking to me so much? Does he think that I might change his mind or something? How can I force him to talk to me?”

Why He Might Be Tight-Lipped: I suppose that he might be uncomfortable with the idea that you might TRY to change his mind. But he may be also telling you the truth when he says that he believes that there is little to talk about – at least for now. This is a very common reaction when the divorce filing is so fresh. People often struggle for some time while trying to come to this decision. They may wonder if it is the right decision or if it is the right time. So, when they finally make the decision, they may not want to discuss or debate it because doing so is just going to rehash the internal debate that they have already had. And yes, he may be afraid or concerned that you are going to try to sway him, but there is a long time between today and the time period that any divorce is likely to be finalized. You don’t need to have this conversation right this minute.    That’s why I’d suggest letting things calm down a bit first.

Forcing The Conversation: As for how to force him to talk to you, in my experience trying to force anything on him right now is likely the worst strategy that you could possibly take. From my own experience during my own separation, the more you try to push anything on a reluctant, disconnected husband, the more you are going to regret it. In my own case, my husband was either likely to ignore me, to avoid me, or eventually, to push back.

None of these things got me closer to what I really wanted – which was to get my husband and my marriage back. In fact, they got me further away from these things because my husband was just getting increasingly annoyed with me and my pushing. So I had to step back, work on myself, try to work with what I had, and, to an extent, wait on him to come to me.

Yes, this was scary and it felt like a delay. But frankly, I didn’t have a choice. My husband was not going to be forced into anything. And the more I tried, the worse things got. Right now, your divorce talk is very fresh. Some counties require couples who are considering divorce to get counseling or meditation. If so, then you will obviously have to communicate then. Maybe couples actually say this was a stepping stone to them reconnecting.

Also, you have gotten some response with the emails, so you might want to stick to that – although you may want to use it sparingly so that it doesn’t lose its effectiveness. The point I’m trying to make is that it might be doubtful and unrealistic for your husband to think that you two won’t communicate anymore. You likely will. But right now, because everything is so fresh, he’s withdrawing and doesn’t want a lot of debate. This is normal and understandable. But it doesn’t mean that this is the way that it will always be. With that in mind, you need to set the groundwork for the future, and trying to “force” him to communicate is probably not the best way to do it.

I only say this from experience.  Forcing doesn’t work.   But taking a step back often well.  At least this was the case with me.  Guilting, pressuring, and forcing only made things worse.  Stepping back and working with what I had was the only way that I gained any ground.  You can read the whole story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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