Leslie Cane Articles

Sometimes, husbands who initiate a separation because they want space can seem to distance themselves from their wives in an almost conscious manner. They seem to be deliberately doing this on purpose, as if the distance will somehow make the separation easier. That’s why it can be very surprising when that same husband seems to suddenly change his position and suggests something that could potentially help your marriage. One example is counseling, (although some wives understandably aren’t sure if the counseling is meant to help save the marriage or to pave the way for a healthier divorce.)

A wife might say: “my husband and I attended counseling briefly when we were still living together. Honestly, I hoped that it would help us, but it hurt us more. My husband chose this male counselor who obviously thought that everything was my fault. He found no fault at all with my husband’s behavior, but seemed to think that I was contaminating the marriage at every turn. I resented some of the things that this counselor said and although I tried to listen to some of his suggestions, the counseling was honestly a disaster and I believe that it’s one of the reasons why my husband pursued a separation and moved out. He figured if counseling didn’t help, then we might as well cut our losses. Once my husband moved out, he asked me for space and became very distant, rarely responding to my phone calls or texts. I got the message after a while and just tried leaving him alone as much as I could. I wasn’t sure what else to do because every time I tried to bring him closer to me or get him to answer my calls, he pulled even further away. After weeks of my leaving him alone, he called me and said that he had been thinking about our marriage and has decided that perhaps we should try counseling again. I immediately said that I did not want the same counselor and my husband conceded that I could choose the counselor this time. However, as thrilled as I am that at least he will have to spend time with me in counseling, I worry about what this means. Maybe he wants to go to counseling just to make sure we have a healthy divorce or that we co-parent effectively. I want to believe that the reason for counseling is to move us toward reconciling, but I can’t know what he is thinking. Am I wrong to be hesitant about the counseling?”

I understand your hesitation. And I know first hand that you can have a completely different experience when you switch counselors. Not everyone has success with counseling, but I always feel that it is worth a try. Most counselors are ultimately trying to ensure that you improve your situation. Yes, sometimes there are personality clashes or biases at play. And in those cases, there is nothing wrong with switching. The fact that your husband is willing to switch is, at least in my eyes, a good sign.

I believe that there’s very little downside to asking around and finding a good counselor who is known for saving marriages. He has said that you can choose, so now is the time to really do your research and to find the person who is known to slant his or her practice toward successfully saving marriages. That minimizes the potential for a surprise once in the office. If it doesn’t go well or it isn’t what you expected, you can always reevaluate. But it’s certainly worth a try to go to someone who is known to have success to see if that person can help you, especially since your husband is willing to go.

As far as paving the way for healthy co-parenting or divorce, I understand that concern, but believe it or not, I’ve seen couples go to counseling for co-parenting and come out with a saved marriage. Sometimes, the issues overlap somewhat. And just by working together, you sometimes make some marital progress. I’m not sure that you should discount something that might be beneficial just because of past experiences or fear. If it doesn’t work out, you can always try self help or something else. But seeing a professional and getting someone else’s unbiased and professional opinion can be very helpful.

I know from my own experience that it’s very easy to focus on fears and “what ifs” right now. I did the same. However, let’s look at how far you have come. Your husband was resistant to communication and now, not only is he reaching out to you, but he’s willing to take that a step further and go to counseling. Not all husbands are willing to do this. I’d call that progress and a reason to be cautiously hopeful. I didn’t always have these advantages (especially in the beginning) and although I did eventually make my marriage work,  it might have been easier if my husband had been more cooperative.  I had to work with what I had. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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