Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not uncommon for someone to make the impulsive decision to leave their spouse and to walk out on their marriage. Sometimes, this decision sticks and the couple eventually moves toward a divorce. Other times, the spouse who walks out begins to have second thoughts – whether he admits to them or not. This can leave both parties wondering what happens next.

A comment that you might hear in this situation is something like: “about two weeks ago, my husband walked out on me. I knew that he wasn’t as happy as he wanted to be. I knew that we had some problems. But we also have children. And that is why I never thought that he would walk out on me. But he did. At first, he wouldn’t even take my calls. He said he just needed to be alone with his thoughts for a while. I respected this and I did not bother him. A few days later, he called and asked if he could come over for dinner. The kids and I missed him very much, so I agreed. Over dinner, we laughed a couple of times and the children were so happy to see him. One of them told him how sad it made them that he wasn’t living with us. He later admitted to me that hearing that comment broke his heart and he now is having second thoughts about walking out. But he hesitates to come back because he is not sure if he is going to be happy if he does. I was talking to my mom about this and she said that I would be crazy to take back a man that would just walk out on his wife and children. She said all I am doing is setting it up so that he will walk out on me again. She says that all I am doing is prolonging my agony. Is she right?”

Well, every one is entitled to their own opinion, of course. And I can not deny that some men do leave more than once. Some men do change their minds repeatedly when it comes to leaving their marriages and then coming back. But, we don’t know if that is going to be the case here. I firmly believe that there are things that you can try to do to ensure that he not only comes back, but he doesn’t leave again. I will discuss some of them below.

Why I Think It’s A Good Idea Not To Rush Things: I know that you want your husband to come back home as soon as possible. I have been in this place and I know how awful it feels. But, I also know that unless and until you address the issues that caused him to leave in the first place, the chances of him leaving again in the future are much higher.

I think it’s fair to guess that you probably never want to go through this again. And one way to swing the odds in your favor is to take advantage of the time that you have right now and use it to really uncover what lead to this. Once you make this discovery, work tirelessly to not only address it, but to banish it.

Some folks are able to accomplish this by themselves. And others will need help and will seek counseling or self help. There is no shame in getting help. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love either other enough or that something is lacking in you. It means that you are smart enough to see that this is outside of your expertise and your marriage. It also means that your family means enough to you to place it as your highest priority.

Strengthening His Commitment So That Leaving Again Is Not An Option: In addition to working on your marriage, it is often quite beneficial to work on his commitment. He needs to understand how much this has negatively affected his children and has brought fear into your household. Quite honestly, half of the battle of saving your marriage is having both spouses agree that a divorce, (or even a separation,) is no longer an option. Commitment is often the element that is missing when people are unable to save their marriages.

Once you have made every attempt to address the issues that contributed to him leaving, this would also be a very good time to also sit down and talk about your mutual commitment. Tell your spouse that you are completely committed to the marriage and would not leave or walk out. Tell him that you need the same commitment from him. This will go a long way toward easing your mind and it will strengthen your family because no one has to continue to walk on egg shells every time you disagree.

It will also force you to learn new, more constructive ways of negotiating your issues when you disagree. Because it’s often not the issues or the problems that breaks up marriages. It’s that the parties don’t stay and talk them through.

I know that this hurts.  I was once separated from my own husband and the loneliness was really hard at times.  With that said, if we hadn’t have worked on our marriage during the separation, I firmly believe that we may not be still married today.   If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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