Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: In past articles, I’ve stressed that it is very important for couples to take a “we” approach to marriage and to life. When you see yourself as part of a unit rather than an individual, this shows commitment to your marriage and affection for your spouse. A spouse who sees himself as an individual functioning in his own world may feel distanced from his spouse and his family. Understandably, many wives begin to worry when they notice this shift in their husbands. And they wonder if this is the beginning of the end for their marriage.

A wife might say, “over the past year, I’ve noticed my husband acting very differently toward me and even toward our kids. I knew that things weren’t exactly right between us. He is very distant and cold. If I confront him about it, he will give me a sarcastic response. For example, I asked him if I’d done something to upset him because he was acting very abrasive toward me. His response was, ‘after years of marriage, do you actually still expect me to jump through hoops for you? You’ve crazy if you think I’m going to.’ He always tries to make it seem like I’m setting a high bar, but I’m only asking for common courtesy and behavior that is normal for happily married couples. And there are little things that I notice which I believe have huge implications. When my husband speaks about things that we will be doing as a couple or as a family, he will only say that “I” am going to do something. He no longer says “we,” not ever. He will also refer to our kids as “his” son or “his” daughter. He never used to do this before. Three years ago, when he was still acting decently toward me, he would have used “our.” Another thing that he’s been doing lately is never referring to me by my name. He used to always use my name as a term of endearment. But now, if he wants to get my attention, he will clear his throat, or say “hey,” and then begin with what he wants to say. This feels very impersonal and cold. Of course, when I bring this to his attention, I get a sarcastic response asking me if I want to get a red pen out to grade his grammar while I am at it. He tries to make me feel as though I’m being overly paranoid. But I feel like these are substantial changes that indicate he is distancing himself from me. Am I wrong?”

Why An Overreaction Is The Least Of Your Worries: I would never tell anyone worried about their marriage that they should just forget about or not prioritize their concerns. From my own experience, I believe that those nagging little worries that pop up when your husband begins acting differently are most often very valid. I wish I’d taken immediate action when I noticed them in my own marriage. Instead, I told myself that I was allowing my imagination and anxiety to run away with me, so I did nothing. I was separated and risking a divorce in six months’ time. It is so much better to overcorrect and still be together. Any marriage can benefit from more attention, even when you are overreaching.

Determining If The Behavior Is A Result Of Distance Or Of Time And Habit: You may be surprised how many husbands give the exact same defense for this type of behavior. Most of them will give you some variation on the ‘we’ve been married for so long that my behavior is to be expected and is normal’ excuse. And, to be fair, we do all act a bit differently in our marriages once we’ve been married for several years. But there is a difference between changes based on comfort and habit and changes that allow a spouse to distance himself from you.

How does he act outside of these situations? In other words, putting the “I,” off the table for a minute, does he still show you respect and affection when it counts? Does he still make an effort to look out for your well-being, security, and happiness? Does he still include you in conversations and plans about your future? Does he still share his thoughts, dreams, and worries with you? In other words, are other indications of intimacy and attachment present so that worries about the pronouns that he uses are diminished?

These are questions that only you can answer. But if you see distance and coldness in other places, then the “I” is probably a symptom of the fact that he either no longer feels (or wants to be) as close to you.

To be fair, there can be various reasons for this. Sometimes, husbands pull away when they are dealing with stress or issues in their life that have absolutely nothing to do with you or your marriage. Other times, their behavior is directly related to your marriage, even if they won’t acknowledge it or do not realize it.

Why Addressing Intimacy May Be More Important Than Addressing The Pronouns Your Husband Uses: I believe that you are right to be concerned about this. But the pronouns are pointing to a more serious problem than how your husband addresses your marriage or your family. And that problem is intimacy. If there is one thing that I learned during my own separation it was that if you can re-establish intimacy and empathy, the other issues seem to fall into place much more easily.

If you can find a way to click with your husband again, you may find that he starts using “we” and he starts saying your name again without your needing to say or do anything.

A man who feels very connected with his wife feels like he is part of a united team, so his actions will naturally reflect this.

I promise that I am in no way insinuating that it is your fault that the intimacy in your marriage needs some attention. But I know from my own experience that when intimacy begins to wane, then you begin to see behaviors very similar to those described here. Increasing intimacy will decrease those behaviors very effectively.

Easy Ways To Begin To Increase Intimacy: I know that what I am asking may seem daunting. When your spouse is prickly toward you, how do you even begin to re-establish intimacy? I’ve found it’s easiest to try to give your spouse what you yourself want. In this case, you want him to be more involved with and attentive to you.

So you try to give him that and you hope that, eventually, he will reciprocate. Ask him about his day. Offer to make him the dinner of his choice. Give him an unsolicited back rub. Do something nice for him. Granted, you may have to tweak your offers based on what he will accept initially. This is definitely going to be a gradual process. But as you make progress, you should see improvement on many fronts.

And when he says, “I,” playfully correct him with “we,” show him some affection, and see how he will react.

I do not mean to make this sound easy.  It isn’t.  But it is necessary.  Saving my marriage during a separation was difficult. I wish I’d taken preventative measures like these beforehand.  You’re welcome to read about how I eventually saved my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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