Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s a very difficult position to be put in when it feels as if you must chose between your family and your spouse. After all, you feel like your spouse is family too and it feels as if this an unnecessary line being drawn in the sand.

A wife might say: “I will admit that I feel that my extended family is my responsibility. My mother is in ill health. So I take care of her and my father. I bought them a house right down the street and I cook for them and also maintain their household because they aren’t able to do it for themselves. They moved from the home that I grew up in to spend more time with me and their grandkids. We are very close. I would never turn my back on them. I admit that I put a lot of time and energy into their care. But, they did the same for me when I was a child. I feel like they are my responsibility. My problem is that my husband seems jealous and resentful of the time that I invest in them. He says that I care about them more than I care about him. He says that I put him last. He is saying that if he were to leave, I wouldn’t even notice because I have my parents to worry about. He says that he doesn’t want to be in a marriage where he is last. He is considering leaving me and separating. I am so hurt by this. I do not want to lose my husband. But I can’t turn my back on my parents. I can’t believe that he is acting like this. It is very selfish. I feel like he is making me choose.”

I understand why you feel that way. You are trying to do good. You are being a good daughter and you are following your heart. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. But, for the sake of your marriage and your own happiness, we need to find some middle ground here so that every one is happier and every one feels cared for.

Look At It From Another View: I understand why you feel like your husband is being selfish. But I think that a good first step here is trying to see things from his point of view. His message may come off as being self centered, but what he is really telling you is that he wants more of your time. He is telling you that he misses you. And that he too wants to feel close to you and as if he is a priority. These things are not unreasonable.

See If You Can Lighten Your Own Load: The key, I believe, is to find a way that means every one feels cared for and you don’t feel exhausted and like you are juggling plates in the air. Is it possible to hire out some of the care for your parents? I know that you likely feel very resentful at this because they are your parents and you feel responsible for them, but please hear me out.

There are likely tasks that you want to do yourself like their health needs but cleaning the house and providing some of the meals really could be done by someone else, freeing you up for more quality time for yourself and for your husband.

There are more options also. The two of you can sit down and discuss a reasonable schedule. Ask your husband when he would like quality time. There may be some specific days where he has other obligations and when he spends time with friends. Those are the times when you can be at your parents’ house without worry because that is time that you would not be spending with him anyway. The key is to get him to define what amount of time would make him happy and then to negotiate from there.

Another strategy that you can try is to attempt to get him more involved with your parents. If he can enjoy spending time with them, then that is time that can be spent together.

Of course, there is no substitute for one on one time with your spouse when it is just the two of you having intimate time together where you are focused on no one and nothing but each other.

It’s important that our spouse knows that, although your extended family is very important to you, no one takes his place in your life. He needs to know that he is important enough to you that you have no problem arranging your schedule so that he is a very obvious priority in your life.

With a little planning and finesse, I’m convinced there is a place where every one can feel cared for and happy. You are not wrong for wanting to take care of your parents. Many daughters who are adults must juggle this. No one is the bad guy here. The key is to find that sweet spot where every one knows that they are a priority for you.

I know that you may feel discouraged, but I’d encourage you to deal with this now before things get worse.  It is easier to work through your problems before they are still small.  I didn’t address some things in my own marriage and it lead to a separation.  It’s best to avoid this if you can.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I got my marriage back on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin