Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are unsure about their husband’s intentions when it comes to a divorce.  Often, he has made it clear that he isn’t happy and that he may walk away from the marriage.  But, sometimes he will stop short of doing this because his feelings are wavering.  This can leave the wife extremely frustrated because she isn’t sure exactly what she is dealing with.  I heard from a wife who said: ” a couple of weeks ago, my husband and I had gotten into a huge fight.  It seems that all we do is fight lately.  So I wasn’t entirely surprised when in the heat of the moment, he told me that he thought he wants a divorce.  I was so angry at the time I responded that he was free to march right down to the attorney of his choice and begin that process.  A couple of days later, he admitted to me that he wasn’t sure if he really wanted a divorce.  I asked him what was leading to his change of heart.  He said that while he certainly isn’t happy, he isn’t sure if he wants to make that big of a move.  So I told him why doesn’t he just back off of the divorce issue and let’s move on.  He refuses to do this either.  He says that at this point, he is still thinking he wants a divorce.  But he wants to take his time to make sure that he is making the right decision.  I am not sure what to do now.  Deep down, I really don’t want a divorce either.  But I hate having to tiptoe around him.  I feel as if he has the upper hand.  And I feel as if my life is on hold while I am waiting for him to decide.  What now?”

I felt that there were several issues at play here.  The wife was dealing with her wounded pride as well as trying to position herself in a place of strength rather than a place of weakness.   And having all of these issues swirling around in your head can distract you as to what is truly important.  Because to me, the most important piece of information in this entire puzzle was that the wife didn’t want a divorce.  So, she needed to realize that the fact that the husband had some hesitation and hadn’t yet filed was very important.  Because this hesitation gave her some wiggle room to save her marriage.

Nothing Says You Can’t Improve Your Marriage While He Is Evaluating If He Wants A Divorce:  The wife was under the mistaken impression that she just had to wait around while her husband was evaluating what he was going to do.  There was plenty that she could do in the meantime.  She could try to have an upbeat attitude and make a very pointed attempt to improve things in her marriage.   She mentioned that she and her husband had been fighting horribly within the last few months.  So one suggested course of action would be to try to identify the recurring problems and very swiftly address them.  This is very important.  Because as your husband is making a decision about whether to file for divorce or not, he’s going to be looking around and evaluating the current state of your relationship.  If you’re continuing to fight, then this probably isn’t going to give him much incentive to try to save the marriage.

With this said, most husbands would see through any behavior that isn’t genuine.  What I mean by this is that if you’re just being agreeable to change his mind about the divorce, he will likely see what through this.  That’s why it’s important to identify genuine changes and improvements that you can easily pull off and can make very believable.

Proceed As If He’s Already Made The Right Decision:  I firmly believe that your confidence level is so important right now.  If you act as if he’s going to pick up and file for divorce any day now, then you make this possibility that much more likely.  He will follow and be influenced by your behavior.  So, instead of projecting anxiety and fear, try to project quiet confidence and a positive attitude.  Give off the vibe that you are confident that the two of you can and will turn this around if you work together.  Stay upbeat and lighthearted so that he will want to be around you and work closely with you.  If you are so filled with dread and fear that you are negative and sarcastic, he is going to be much less likely to reach out to you and he’s going to be much more likely to decide to go ahead with the divorce even when he’s clearly stated that he has hesitation about this.

Understand What His Hesitation Really Means:  This is the last point that I will make.  As maddening as it is right now that he is so indecisive, this truly can be a blessing.  Many men make up their minds quickly and then file for divorce shortly after that.  His hesitation is a huge advantage.  It tells you that he still has some loyalty and investment in your marriage.  And, when you want to save your marriage also, this is vital.  So use the advantage that you have and use his hesitation to take the time that you need to address the issues in your marriage so that both of you are fulfilled enough that no one is thinking about a divorce.

Even the word divorce brought panic into my heart when my husband started broaching this subject.  Instead of seeing his hesitation as an advantage, I just focused on the uncertainly and my behaviors were fueled by fear.  I behaved so badly that my husband moved out and pursued a divorce.  I had a lot of ground to make up.  But eventually, I began to understand what was driving my husband and I was able to address it.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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