My Husband Tells Me About His Dates During The Trial Separation
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are struggling with the hurt they feel knowing that their husband is seeing other women while they are going through a marital or trial separation. And, even worse, some husbands insist on sharing the painful details with their wives.
One of these wives might explain: “my husband originally wanted a divorce but after many discussions, I finally convinced him to try a trial separation instead. I envisioned this as a way for us to work on our marriage while having the space to give us some needed perspective. He apparently didn’t share my vision because he immediately started dating other people. Even worse, when we get together for dinner once a week (which I insisted upon,) he tells me about his dates with the other women. Usually, he pokes fun at the dates and says how awkward it is to start dating again. But occasionally, he will talk about one of the women in complimentary terms or make expressions that let me know that he enjoyed himself. I’m just so floored by this that I don’t know what to say. I guess we see the separation much differently. With that said, he is otherwise pleasant during our dinners and we are getting along quite well. Strangely enough, I would feel that we were making some progress if it weren’t for his dating stories. How should I handle this?”
This is a particularly difficult situation. On the one hand, the wife has every right to be very upset about the husband’s lack of empathy. But on the other, if she made a huge deal out of this and it caused a rift between them, then her contact with her husband might be diminished, which would hurt all of the progress that she has made. So, she had to be careful to tread lightly and to handle this situation in a way that didn’t make it worse. I’ll discuss this more in the following article.
Make No Mistake. It’s Inappropriate For A Husband To Discuss His Dating Life With His Wife, Even During A Separation: This conversation made me wonder why the husband would even want to talk about his dates. Was he trying to make the wife jealous? Was he trying to ease her into a divorce by allowing her to have the knowledge that he was in the beginning stages of moving on? Or was he just clueless or insensitive? I didn’t know this situation or the husband enough to answer these questions, but the wife might. And the answers to these questions might give her some insight on how to address this.
But, regardless of his motivation, it isn’t appropriate for him to talk about other women when he is still married and it does absolutely nothing to help save your marriage, which was supposedly the goal. So, I think that it’s appropriate (and advisable) to address this. The next time that he brings up his dating life, I’d suggest something like: “I need to stop you right now because I have to be honest with you about something. It really hurts me when you talk about other women during our time together. I know that a separation is not a great time for a marriage, but in my mind, we are still married and we are still working on that marriage. Not only does hearing about your love life hurt me, but it makes me wonder if we’re going to make any progress on our relationship. I’m not sure that you’re going to be able to objectively evaluate our situation or contribute to our reconciliation when you are juggling more than one relationship. I have no desire to see anyone else because our marriage is still the most important relationship in my life. I would very much like for you to stop seeing other people while we are separated. But, if you won’t do that, then at least I’d ask that you don’t go into detail about other women. This separation is upsetting enough, but hearing the details is almost unbearable. I still have hope for our marriage and I want to just focus on us.”
After you say your words, stop and wait. And then listen. Your husband’s response to this will likely be very telling. He may get defensive or he may be receptive. He may make concessions and he may not. But whatever his reaction, try not to engage in conflict. Your goal is to get your point across while maintaining the open relationship that allows you to see one another regularly.
Can You Save Your Marriage When Your Husband Is Seeing Other People While You’re Separated?: Many wives in this situation worry that their marriage is over because they feel that if their husband is seeing other women, he’s already checked out of the marriage. I agree that it is harder to save your marriage under these circumstances. But it is not impossible.
Some of the wives are able to convince their husbands to stop dating. And sometimes, being with other women makes the husband see that no one compares to his wife. That’s why it’s so important that you are careful and maintain your open and friendly relationship so that you can continue to try to improve your marriage, even during these trying circumstances.
I was always afraid to ask my husband about his dating life during our separation. And when I would get angry or insecure, this always manifested itself in negative ways, which made our relationship worse. It wasn’t until I learned that I had to project confidence that I began to see some positive changes. If it helps, you can read our story of reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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