Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Not surprisingly, I’m seeing a large increase in messages from wives dealing with husbands who are suddenly highly stressed out and desperately unhappy. Worse, the husbands are unable or unwilling to identify the source of their misery. They’re seemingly unhappy with the world, and they act out to make sure that their wives are aware of it.

One of these wives might explain, “I know that everyone has been struggling with life lately, with the COVID 19 crises, the protests, and everything else that has been going on in the world. But I feel like my husband is taking it harder than others. His company shut down for quite a while. Now, his physical workplace has changed, and his company has required that employees take a pay cut. I understand why he’s frustrated about this. But he is not the only one that this has happened to. He is also struggling with his parents, who refuse to be careful about the virus, even though they both have underlying health conditions. Every night when he speaks to them, he says goodbye, slams down the phone, and runs his fingers through his hair. If I try to comfort him, he pushes me away. The other night, I was clearing the table, and he just laid his head down. I came up behind him and put my hands on his shoulders and asked what was wrong? His reply was, ‘What is wrong? Are you kidding me? Do you not know me at all? I hate my life, that’s what’s wrong. I hate everything about it.’ I should have said nothing and let him cool down. But instead, I said, ‘Even me?’ He sort of snorted sarcastically, and then said, ‘Everything!’ And he walked away. Things have been very awkward since then, and we’ve been tip-toeing around each other. I feel for my husband. But he is an adult who is acting like a toddler. Every human being in the world is dealing with life changes right now. And you don’t see other people whining about hating their lives. I want to make things better for him, but I resent his immaturity right now. I am also struggling, and I need a spouse to buck up and respond with strength. How am I supposed to support a man who hates everything, including me?”

I do not think that he hates you at all. He probably doesn’t even really hate his life. But, like many of us, he hates the scary and troubling changes that have taken place over a very short period. He may be bubbling over right now, but that doesn’t mean that he no longer loves his family or values his life.

Scenarios such as this one remind me of the scene in “Its A Wonderful Life,” where George Bailey, a family man under a great deal of stress, is set off when a loose dowel comes off in his hands. At any other time, the good-natured George would have replaced the dowel and gone on his way. But he is so full of stress and fear, that the dowel is the last straw. As a result, he begins berating his beloved kids and his wife. If the film hadn’t characterized George as a loving man, the audience might have thought him cruel and insensitive. In context, however, we know that he is frustrated. Of course, by the end of the movie, the stressful situation is removed, and the family is happy again. I only mention this because everyone knows that George Bailey loves his family more than anything else. But, when we face this type of situation in our own lives, it can be hard to see this perspective.

Some Data To Put This Into Perspective: I know that it is scary and frustrating to hear your husband talk this way. But he is far from alone. A poll released just yesterday indicated that respondents in the United States are more unhappy than they have been in over fifty years. In fact, only fourteen percent of the people in the survey described themselves as happy. Respondents reported feeling less optimistic about the future for themselves and for their children. Many reported feelings of loneliness, isolation, and helplessness.

While it is true that some people handle stressors better than others, it is becoming clear that increasing numbers of us are struggling.

Unfortunately, since we have less access to our support network of friends and extended family, most of our frustration and unhappiness are going to be directed at who is available – the people who live with us (and who are stuck inside with us.) For most of us, this is our spouse (or significant other,) and our children (if we have them.)

This proximation doesn’t mean that our spouse is angrier at us than everyone else. It just means that we are available.

Offering Support While Not Taking This Lightly: By pointing out that your spouse is not alone and that many of us are struggling right now, I don’t mean to insinuate that you should not take this seriously. Marriages can definitely suffer when one spouse struggles mentally. Depression and hopelessness is a common precursor to serious marital issues or even separations and divorces. (My husband’s declining happiness was a huge factor in our separation.)

So I would encourage you to support your spouse in any way that he will accept. If he already has a mental health team in place, encourage him to see that person. If not, let him know that you are there and that, no matter how hard this is and no matter how frustrated he might be with even you, you will still always have his back.

The next time he makes a statement that indicates frustration with his life or with your marriage, you might try, “although it hurts me to hear you say that, I want to help. What can I do to make this better for you? How can I help?” He may not fall over himself to take you up on this offer, but in the way that you can, lighten his load.

Perhaps you might volunteer to talk to his parents on alternating nights. Maybe you do chores that you know stress him out. Encourage him to exercise by asking him to take a walk outside. Turn off the news. Play music or board games. Watch funny classics. Read favorite books to one another. Do anything that turns off the negativity that surrounds us all right now. I know that this is asking you to have super-human patience at a time when it is extremely difficult, but it’s important to try and to fight for your family.

And, take solace in the fact that therapists reassure us the human spirit is resilient. This can’t last forever. We can and will get through it. And, as hard as it is to believe, these times offer us an opportunity to hold our loved ones close and to focus on what really matters – each other.

As I alluded to, although I know that your husband’s reaction is common, I think that you should take it seriously. My husband’s declining happiness was a contributing factor to our separation. Although I eventually saved my marriage (pretty much single-handedly) this was a painful time for us both. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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