My Husband Supposedly Wants A Divorce, And Then Suddenly He Doesn’t
By: Leslie Cane: In your married life, there are probably very few times when you are watching your husband’s behavior like you may be when he tells you that he wants a divorce (and then seems to be wavering on this.) This can be especially true if you are still invested in your marriage. It would be one thing if he would announce the divorce, file for it, and then move out so that his intentions were very clear. But this is not always the case. Some husbands make the announcement, do nothing, or then even appear to change this minds. This leaves the wife very confused about what her husband is thinking, what might happen in the future, and how she should respond moving forward.
She might explain: “three months ago, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. I had no doubt about his sincerity. We have been unhappy for quite some time, (although I was really hoping that we could work things out.) However, I expected him to take a relatively slow pace because our finances are so tricky right now. I honestly think that our finances are one reason why it took him so long to decide on a divorce. Having two houses to support is going to be difficult. So I honestly did not expect for him to move out right away. And he didn’t. I basically tried to get along with him as best as I could and I just waited for the day to come when he either told me that he was moving out or when he presented me with divorce papers. Last week, my mother very unexpectedly invited me to take an international trip next year. She said it was her gift to me. She also invited my husband. Although I didn’t tell her about the divorce at the time, I assumed that I would be going alone. When I mentioned this to my husband, he acted excited about the trip. I told him that I assumed that the two of us would be divorced by then, so that he wouldn’t be accompanying me. His response was ‘oh, I’ve changed my mind about the divorce. Why do you think I haven’t mentioned it in months?’ I am shocked. I thought he hadn’t mentioned it because of money. I had no idea that he had changed his mind and I’m a little unsure about this. Why would a man suddenly not want a divorce anymore?”
The person best poised to explain your husband’s reasoning is your husband himself. But if he’s either not willing or able to explain, I certainly have some theories, which I will discuss below.
He May Have Realized That A Divorce Will Not Solve His Problems: When you are dealing with a high level of stress or a crisis situation, you can sometimes fantasize that a divorce is going to be just the thing that you need to escape the harsh reality of your life. You might tell yourself that if you can just cast off your tired, old marriage which is holding you back, then you might finally be free to start a new, and better, life.
But then, the reality of life hits you. Much of the time, as soon as someone actually goes and looks at apartments or talks to a divorce lawyer, the whole thing suddenly becomes very real. And the person seeking the divorce may realize that divorcing their spouse isn’t going to fix what is missing from their lives or what is broken inside of them.
In this particular case, your husband might have realized that a divorce would only increase the financial stress in his life rather than relieve it. He may have realized that in actuality, the marriage can be a release from the financial stress rather than the cause of it.
He May Have Seen Positive And Encouraging Changes: The wife mentioned that during the last three months, she had made a conscious effort to get along with her husband in a more positive way. This may have mattered a great deal to her husband and he may be encouraged to see that, with a little effort, they are able to interact in a new, more pleasing way. Sometimes that is all it takes. Often, a husband wants a divorce only when he starts to believe that things are never going to change. When he sees that they he may, in fact, have been wrong about that, then he’s willing to change his tune regarding the divorce.
He May Have Been Blowing Smoke About The Divorce All Along: Some husbands mention the D word because they know that it is going to get the most impact and be the most likely thing that will get your attention. Deep down, they don’t really want a divorce, even though they themselves may not even realize it at the time. So when you give them what they want – more attention to whatever problem they are trying to solve, – then there is no longer any reason to blow smoke about the divorce.
However, I can’t stress enough that once a husband mentions the D word, it is always in your best interest to pay very close attention and to take whatever precautions and actions that are necessary. I say this because I didn’t take these precautions. I hoped that things would blow over. But my inability to act almost meant that I got divorced. I eventually saved my marriage, but not without a lot of heartache first. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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