Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many of the spouses who contact me do so because they are afraid and they are not sure where else to turn.  They have fear that they are ultimately going to end up divorced and this is true whether they are in the middle of a lengthy separation or if they are only at the point where their spouse seems unhappy.  It’s just natural to assume the worst when you feel afraid.  Many of the people that I hear from assume that their spouse wants to divorce them even if he has never said this.

A wife might explain: “I can’t say that I am officially separated, but I feel like I am.  My family has been going through a very stressful time.  My husband lost his job at about the same time his father got really sick.  He stays with his father sometimes to help take care of him.  And during the course of those visits, his father started asking him to help with his business.  This made sense and we needed the money and my husband didn’t have a job anyway.  But this new schedule means that my husband is away from me more and more.  And we fight all of the time now.  It’s gotten to a point where I feel like there are times that he could come home but he doesn’t.  I honestly think that soon, he is going to ask me for a divorce.  We don’t ever talk anymore and I can’t remember the last time that we have had sex. It really stinks to have to sit here and not know what is going on with my husband.  I want badly to ask him if he wants a divorce or if he is going to divorce me.  But I don’t really want to know if the answer is yes and I don’t want to put that idea into his head if it’s not already there.”

I agree that I don’t think I’d risk putting the idea in his head. Plus, I think that there is another risk here which you may not have considered.  You’ve said that your husband is going through a stressful time and it appears that he might be struggling.  So he may see your asking about divorce when he’s not mentioned it as yet another stressor that you are willingly adding to his life.

With this said, you have a right to know what he may be thinking. But I believe that there are other ways to get that information that may have a more positive affect on your marriage.  I would suggest that instead of appearing to add to his stress, you make it appear that you want to help him lessen it.

For example, you might invite him over to dinner.  You might suggest that the two of you go out to a movie or something else that the two of you used to find pleasure in.  You might be surprised when he accepts your offer and the two of you have a good time. The key is to not add a lot of pressure to make things even worse.

Or, he may reject the offer and feel a little further away.  Whatever the result, you will have much more information than when you started.  And even if you don’t get the result that you wanted, this doesn’t mean that he automatically wants a divorce.  It just might mean that you both have some work to do in order to get things back on track.

Another option would be to try to get some marital help.  I know that money appears to be tight here.  But you can seek counseling from a pastor or trusted third party.  You can even try self help exercises on your own.  But doing nothing and hoping for positive results anyway are a gamble.  And one way to lessen the fear is to address it directly.  Give yourself the tools to be proactive and bring him closer rather than to do nothing and watch as he gets further and further away.

Trying to better your marriage has very little downside.  At worst, you won’t get the results that you wanted but at least you would have tried.  Actively trying to make your marriage better from a place of love and concern rarely makes things worse. I believe that using this strategy will give you a lot of information about whether or not your spouse is considering a divorce.  And you can get this information without forcing his hand and without putting this unsavory idea into his head.

Remember that even if he is unhappy, this doesn’t mean that there is nothing that you can do to fix it.  But it does mean that there is work to be done until you feel confidence that your marriage is back on track.

As I alluded to, I think there are better ways to go about this than directly mentioning a divorce.  I think it’s best not to direct the conversation where you do not want reality to go.  Since you want reality to include a better, stronger marriage, then this is where to direct your focus.  I wish I had done that myself.  Because when my husband and I were separated, I tended to assume the worst and focus on the negative and this delayed our reconciliation.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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