Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people whose spouse is demanding to talk about the one conversation that they hoped would never happen – the discussion about a martial separation. Often, the first inclination is to wonder if you can talk your way out of this conversation or at least delay it somewhat.

Common concerns are things like: “my husband and I have been having problems for several months. It’s not as if I thought that we were happy. I knew that we weren’t. But I hoped that things would get better if we gave our marriage some extra attention. I have been trying to be nicer and more receptive to my husband, but I guess these things haven’t made much difference because last night during dinner, he told me that it was time for us to discuss a martial or trial separation. I changed the subject and told my husband that I had a horrible headache and that I just couldn’t talk about our marriage at that time. He said that we could sit down and talk about it this weekend. But I don’t want to. I’m considering asking for some over time at work and telling my husband that I had no choice in the matter. Would it help to stall this discussion? I just keep hoping that if I can stall and then do things to improve my marriage, then maybe the separation won’t ever happen. Is any of this a good idea?”

I understand the inclination to want to delay this conversation, especially if you don’t want for the separation to become your reality.  I had the same inclination but trying to stall actually hurt my cause rather than help it. And I also know that very few people who truly want to separate are going to just let the conversation drop. It’s not as if they will eventually forget about it or decide that you were right all along. Instead, I think that the best call is to try to have the conversation at the right time under controlled circumstances, which I will discuss more below.

Understand Why Stalling Usually Doesn’t Work: Often, when people make the decision to pursue, or at least discuss, a separation, they have often been thinking about it for a long time. They may have even have tried to make some improvements, hoping to avoid the necessity of the separation, which they have now deemed unsuccessful. So thinking that stalling is going to make them forget all about this is often unrealistic because, not only has this has usually been weighing on them heavily for quite some time, but usually things have also reached the point where they no longer want to ignore what is right in front of them. So your stalling often is not a strategy that’s going to work. Either they will keep bringing it up or they will just decide to go ahead and begin the separation without more discussion or agreement.

Understand That It’s In Your Best Interest To Control The Course Of The Discussion: I know that this is a conversation that you don’t want to have, but it is often better to have it and at least be able to negotiate and control the terms. Sometimes, you can negotiate a delay in him taking action or you can offer to give your spouse more spouse without him needing to leave. Another option is to offer to go away for a long weekend to give you both some time to think. That way, you control when you are both under the same roof and he doesn’t need to take the drastic measure to actually move out or leave.

How To Make Sure That This Conversation Goes As Well As Is Possible: Try very hard to chose a time when you are both calm and have been getting a long relatively well. If you are fighting or having an argument, then things likely aren’t going to go well. Try to bring a cooperative attitude and keen negotiating skills. Make it very clear that your ultimate goal is to save your marriage, but also stress that you respect your spouse’s wishes and you want to support him in what he thinks that he needs right now. Acknowledge that he needs some space and then offer to give him that without any drastic measures being necessary. If he doesn’t accept your first offer, be wiling to listen to what he has to say and then offer another alternative that you can live with. You might try setting a date when one or both of you will return home or you might ask him to give you a few weeks before making a firm decision. At the very least, if a separation is imminent, try to define it’s terms. In other words, make sure that both of you agree how often you will see each other and will touch base. Uncertainty can derail a separation very quickly so it’s in your best interest to agree about as much as you can so you both have an idea about what to expect.  Try to agree upon what measures you will take to improve your marriage as quickly as possible.

Remember that your real goal is to set the tone moving forward. You want to create a spirit of cooperation and an understanding that you are both working toward the same goal – to eventually save your marriage even if a brief separation may be in your future.

But to answer the question posed, it’s my experience and opinion that stalling rarely works and it just delays the inevitable. I believe that it’s a better idea to chose the ideal time and circumstances under which to have the conversation and then to try to negotiate to a solution that not only can you both agree upon, but that helps your bottom line as well.

As I alluded to, stalling didn’t do me any good.  My husband’s mind was made up and my trying to change it only frustrated him with me.  I wish I had understood that trying to show cooperation and support is vital when negotiating a separation.  Arguing with him just makes him want the separation more.  We did eventually save our marriage, but things would have been easier if I had been more cooperative in the beginning.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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