Leslie Cane Articles

Many wives deny the reason that their husband gives for wanting to separate. For example, it’s easy to debate vague reasoning like, “I just feel we need a break.” Or, “I’m not happy.” But things get trickier when the basis for a husband’s desire to separate is true. An example is a husband who says that you married very young. This is likely a fact. However, what is debatable is whether or not a young marriage is a justification to separate.

A wife might explain, “it’s true that my husband and I married right out of high school. I wasn’t pregnant. We weren’t forced to do it. But my husband enlisted in the military, and we wanted to commit to each other before he left. We were very happy and I feel that we have a successful marriage. My husband is no longer in the military. He’s currently taking stock of his life, and it appears he feels that our marriage may be holding him back. Now that he’s free of professional commitments, it seems that he wants out of personal commitments also. Last night, he sat me down and said that since we got married so young, he feels that he has missed out on life experiences. He stressed that he doesn’t want a divorce right now, but he wants a break or separation to experience things he may have missed out on. This sounds like the start of a divorce to me and I am terrified. I have never questioned whether our marriage was a mistake. I have been very happy and I don’t want to lose my husband. How do I talk him out of this? Or how can I make sure that my marriage survives this?”

Don’t panic. I got through a marital separation (although parts of it were very rocky) and I believe that you can too. Many men come to regret or reverse their decision to separate. And there are things that you can do to increase those chances. But do not allow the panic that you are feeling make you act in a way that you may regret. Much of the time, you’re not going to end up divorced tomorrow and you have some time to set this right. Here are some tips that I can offer based on my own experience.

Try To Get Him To Agree To An In-House Separation: This may be a long shot, but the biggest hurdle many wives face during their separations is a lack of access to their husbands. If you live under separate roofs, it can be a challenge to see or talk to your husband enough to maintain intimacy and to make progress. I’m not saying it is impossible, but life is definitely easier if you still see him regularly. Ask him to consider moving into the spare bedroom or basement. Assure him that you will respect his need for space. This living situation can have its own challenges, but it can be better than having him live somewhere else.

Ask For Fidelity: Stress that although you may be separated, you are still going to be married during this trial period. Therefore, you are going to be completely faithful and expect that he will too. This may seem old fashioned, but dealing with a separation is challenging enough without also dealing with the insecurity, jealousy, and anger that comes when you suspect your spouse is seeing someone else. That issue is very complex and makes reconciling that much more difficult.

Ask For Regular Contact: If your spouse refuses to have an in-house separation, the best compromise is to try to get him to commit to regular communication at a set time. When you know that you will talk to or see your spouse regularly, it is easier not to push too hard. Desperation most often comes when your access is limited and he’s never available. Regular communication addresses this problem. Some couples accomplish this with counseling and others agree to meet or call a set number of times each week.

These meetings should be constructive and positive. Ideally, they should be the stepping stones toward progress. If they aren’t, your husband may begin to try to beg off or may start to avoid you. The idea is that you begin to move closer to reconciliation, not further away from it.

Strive For Improvement On All Fronts: Even if you think your husband’s reasoning for the separation is invalid, it helps to figure out the areas of your marriage and your life that you can improve. It would be silly to go through all of this for nothing. You may not be able to fully control your husband’s behaviors and actions right now, but you can fully control your own. What can YOU do to improve your marriage? To improve yourself?

I did tons of self-help and self-improvement during my own separation. I did this partly to help pass the time, but I also did it because I knew that, no matter what happened with my marriage, I was going to fare better if I could make myself stronger and be the best version of myself. My husband wasn’t going to want to return to a depressed, clingy wife. But he might want to return to an upbeat, capable, and competent woman. These changes also increased my confidence so that I was eventually better able to deal with the challenges that cropped up during the separation.

I wish I could tell you that I did all of this from the beginning. Unfortunately, I didn’t. In some cases, I had to learn the hard way that desperation and pushing too hard gave me less access to my husband. Thankfully, I changed strategies in time to save my marriage.  That story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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