My Husband Says There Is Too Much ‘Kid Drama’ In Our House And He Wants A Divorce
By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, a couple’s struggle in their marriage does not have much to do with the two individuals themselves. The issue isn’t that they don’t love each other, aren’t connecting, or can’t get along. The issue centers around the other people who live in the house – namely, the children.
This is an extremely difficult situation. Because most of us have to admit that we love our children every bit as much as we love our spouse. And since we can only control our own behaviors, we feel helpless when the behaviors of our children put a strain on our marriage. Sometimes, this situation causes so much damage, that it puts the parents’ marriage at risk.
A wife might explain: “this is my second marriage. When I met my husband, I already had a toddler. And I quickly got pregnant with my second son. My husband is the father of my second child, but not my first. I have always felt that my husband favors his biological child. But now we are having issues with both children. Because our kids are so close in age, they have the same friends. And these friends have been a very bad influence on both of them. To be clear, the issues are with both kids. But, of course, my husband focuses most on the child who is not his. I am not going to pretend that things are perfect in our house. I am very stressed out about dealing with the kids also. I am very upset about this. But my husband has to make things so much worse by telling me that he doesn’t think he can handle the ‘kid drama’ anymore and that he thinks that he wants a separation or a divorce. He says he is tired of coming home to chaos every day. He says that I don’t do enough to get the kids under control. I feel so upset by this. I feel abandoned. This is already a tough situation and now he acts as if it is all my responsibility. I don’t want for my kids to be in trouble. And I certainly do not want a divorce.”
Focusing On Helping The Kids May In Turn Help Your Marriage: As I said, this one is tough. But I do not think that it is impossible. However, I think that sorting through it is going to be a lot easier and more effective with professional help. Family counseling can be very helpful. If you think that your husband may be reluctant, you don’t even have to put the focus on your marriage. You might just tell him that you want to help your kids. He may be more willing to participate if you keep things simple.
Because the truth is, if you can address the issues with the kids, your marriage may well recover. There is much literature that suggests that childrens’ teenage years are a time of great stress to a couple’s marriage. But, having two united parents is certainly in the best interest of children, particularly children who are struggling.
And you want to set an important example for your kids. You want them to see that strong families pull together during times of difficulty. And you don’t want for them to think that they were responsible for their parents’ martial problems.
Putting Your Cards On The Table: You might want to have a conversation about this to get your husband on board. You might try something like: “I know that you are angry about the ‘kid drama.’ I am not all that happy about it either. But getting separated or divorced is not going to end the issues with the kids. In fact, it will probably just make it worse. I know that our kids are struggling and it is hard not to be angry at them, but they need us to pull together and not to turn on each other. I am going to suggest that we seek family counseling. We probably should have done that years ago, but I don’t think it’s ever too late. We can’t foresee what is going to happen with our marriage. But I think that dealing with the issues with the kids is our best first step. Let’s address one thing at a time. Will you agree to that? Let’s just go to one session and see if someone can help to point us in the right direction.”
If the cost of counseling is off putting, check with your children’s school. They often have a counselor on staff who may be willing to help. After all, addressing this problem would likely to help the kids at school as well, which makes it appealing for everyone.
I know that you are not dealing with an easy situation. But I think that it is one that can be fixed and addressed. You are not dealing with a husband who doesn’t love you or two spouses who do not get a long. You are dealing with a huge stressor that is hurting your marriage. But if you address and remove that stressor, your marriage may rebound.
It wasn’t children that divided my husband and I when we separated. But we had plenty of stressors that I made the mistake of ignoring. If I had addressed the things that were right in front of me, I could have avoided a lot of pain. I eventually got my husband back, but not without a lot of struggles first. There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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