Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One would think that if you were involved in a marital separation, then you would be well aware of this. After all, most of the time, when couples decide to separate, they first discuss this at length. So that when the time comes to separate and go their separate ways, both people know what to expect.

This is the ideal and most of the time, this is what happens. But in some cases, very little discussion occurs about the actual separation, until one spouse makes the announcement that the couple is already separated – stunning every one involved.

An example is a wife who says: “I can’t pretend that I didn’t know that my marriage was on thin ice. I did know. And I suspected that a possible separation or divorce was on my horizon. I figured that I probably had a couple of months to try to make things better before my husband talked about moving out. It’s hard to make improvements though because my husband avoids me. He comes home from work, eats his dinner in another room, interacts very little with me and then sleeps in our guest bedroom. The other day, we were at a function for his work. I know many of the people there as my husband has been with the same company for many years. I was absolutely shocked when one of my male coworkers approached me and said that he was ‘sorry to hear about our separation.’ I can only imagine how shocked my face looked at the time. When we got home, I told my husband what his coworker said. I assumed that the coworker had misunderstood something my husband had told him. I guess I was wrong because my husband’s response to me was: ‘we are pretty much separated. I thought you knew that.’ I absolutely did not know that. This is all news to me. How silly of me to assume that if we were separated, we would have had a conversation about this and one of us would have moved out. What am I missing here?”

I agree with you that your husband’s approach to this wasn’t a common one. Most couples do have many conversations about separating before they actually formally do it. It’s often quite obvious exactly when the separation began. It’s less common for one spouse to assume a separation because of the sleeping arrangements or because of a lack of closeness, but it is not unheard of.

Not Every Separation Follows A Traditional Path: There are couples who separate but who continue to live together either for financial reasons, convenience, or because they want to have an easier time trying to save their marriage. I suppose your husband could have thought that you fell in one of these categories. Or, he assumed that since you were no longer sharing a bedroom, you were technically separated.

Frankly, there are many assumptions about what a separation means or what is required to have one. But, at the end of the day, there are no rules about this. If you feel separated or declare yourself separated, then I suppose you are. I mean, it probably wouldn’t be effective to tell your spouse that because he didn’t discuss this with you, then he’s wrong with this claim that you are separated. Honestly, if he feels that you are, telling him that he is wrong isn’t likely to make him feel closer to you or any more willing to not classify himself as a separated husband.

Understand The Advantage You Have: I know that it’s hard to believe that there is any good news here, but honestly, I see some. It’s my belief that it can be easier to save your marriage if your separation means that you are still living together. All separations pose challenges, but you are going to have an easier time trying to address problems and make changes if your spouse is living with you simply because you will see each other more often.

My husband and I did live apart during our separation and we saved our marriage. So I don’t want to give off the impression that this arrangement is impossible. But it is my perception that our separation had more challenges than it would have if we had continued living together.

Defining Expectations By Talking It Out: Since you didn’t have any formal or meaningful conversations before this surprise separation, I’d suggest having one now. I’d consider something like: “I have to admit that I was very shocked to learn that you consider us separated. And I don’t understand what this means to you. Can you share with me how you classify being separated? Does this mean that you intend to see other people? Does this mean that we might consider counseling in order to save our marriage? How is this going to work?”

His response will be interesting because it will let you know how much thought he has given this. You might find that he hasn’t at all thought it through or you may find that clearly, he has been thinking about it quite a bit. Either way, you should have much more information than when you started and you should have a better idea about what you are dealing with.

I know that this is a disappointing shock, but try not to panic. A separation doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage. Many couples overcome it. Some couples (like me) feel that, in the end, it was actually beneficial.

As I alluded to, my husband and I did save our marriage after a reasonably lengthy separation.  It was painful and stressful.  And I would have preferred it if we hadn’t lived apart during it.  But, we made it either way. You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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