My Husband Says That Sometimes He Doesn’t Love Me: What It Might Really Mean — And What You Can Do About It
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are completely shaken when their husband says something like, “Sometimes I DON’T love you,” or “Sometimes, I don’t know how I feel about you anymore.” And sometimes, he doesn’t willingly say this. You have to coax it out of him, so you know he’s not just saying it for effect.
These words tend to hit like a punch to the gut. Understandably, many wives immediately assume the worst — that the love is gone, that the marriage is doomed, that he will be promptly filing for divorce soon, and that there’s nothing they can do.
But before you panic or give in to fear, I want to encourage you to take a breath and look at this from a slightly different angle. These are just words said in one moment in time. And in many cases, this kind of statement doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is over — or even that he doesn’t love you. It might mean he is frustrated enough to voice some hurtful words. And it is important to understand why.
Let’s take a closer look at what might really be going on when a husband says he doesn’t always feel love — and how you can respond in a way that helps rather than hurts.
Always Examine The Context: Sometimes, we all say things out of frustration and in the heat of the moment. And you can’t take these words back. There is a difference between something he said in the middle of a tiff or at your urging and something he said when he has thought about it for a very long time and is just getting his courage up to tell you. Appreciate and examine this difference.
Don’t Assume He Means He Never Loves You Or Even That He Doesn’t Love You Most Of The Time: When someone says “sometimes I don’t love you,” it’s easy to hear “I don’t love you at all.” Or “I’ve never loved you.” But that’s not what was said. He was careful in his wording. Pay attention to that.
The truth is, all marriages go through emotional ups and downs. It’s not unusual for even committed spouses to feel disconnected, angry, and spiteful at times. That’s especially true if there’s been stress, disappointment, or poor communication for a while. Saying “sometimes I don’t feel love” may be more about feeling numb, overwhelmed, or emotionally burned out than it is about actually falling out of love.
So instead of reacting with panic, it can help to approach this statement with curiosity. Try to understand what he’s really saying. Is he feeling distant? Unfulfilled? Misunderstood? Has life become so busy or strained that neither of you feels as close as you used to?
Many wives are surprised to learn that their husband is just as confused or hurt as they are — he just doesn’t know how to express it any differently.
Could It Be That This Is About Something Else?: I don’t want to discourage you from examining what might be bothering your husband about your marriage. That is ALWAYS smart. But sometimes, husbands lash out at the people closest to them when they are feeling stressed somewhere else. That may be at work, with their extended family, with their health, or something else. Before you panic, consider that this may not be all about you or even your marriage, which leads me to my next point.
Stay Grounded. Don’t Be Overly Dramatic: I know how tempting it is to try to fix things immediately. You may want to say, “But I love YOU! How can you say that?” or “Please don’t give up on us.”
But in my experience, when a wife responds by begging for reassurance or clinging too tightly, it often has the opposite effect.
That’s because when someone is feeling unsure or emotionally flat, they need space to process those feelings — not more pressure to pretend everything’s okay. In other words, he doesn’t want to do the emotional work of reassuring you when he’s probably feeling emotionally flooded already. What he really needs is room to figure out what he’s feeling (and what is the true source) without being pushed in any one direction.
That doesn’t mean you pretend like nothing happened. It just means you don’t allow fear or desperation to take over. You can still respond with love and concern — but do it calmly, with dignity. Show him that you’re open to hearing his thoughts without spiraling into panic, despair, or blame. “I’m listening” is the better option over “How can you say that to me?”
Ask the Right Questions, Then Really Listen: One of the most powerful things you can do in this moment is ask gentle, open-ended questions and then really listen to the answers. For example, you might say:
“When you are ready and up for it, I want to understand what you’re feeling. When you say that sometimes you don’t feel love for me, what does that look like or feel like to you? Has something changed recently? Have I done something that I can fix? Is there something you want me to address?”
Give him space to answer honestly. Resist the urge to defend yourself or correct him. Just listen. This alone can begin to shift things. Many men don’t even realize how disconnected or defensive they’ve become until they finally say the words out loud — and are met with empathy and love rather than argument and correction.
Focus on True Reconnection — Not Just Fixing His “Problem” Feelings: If your husband is feeling emotionally detached or vacant, trying to talk him into loving you again probably won’t work. What does work — slowly, but surely — is showing him the version of yourself he once fell in love with. And being the person who truly “gets” him and is willing to let him be completely and truly himself – good, bad, and ugly. You want to become the person he is most comfortable talking to, without judgment and an agenda.
That doesn’t mean you become someone you’re not. It just means you gradually bring back the warmth, the laughter, the connection that may have been missing. You create new moments of joy and calm instead of tension and pressure.
I’m not going to lie. This isn’t easy. Because you’re going to want to pounce and ask for reassurance and show affection as you are playing the role of a reassuring listener. Don’t make that mistake. Have patience.
This might look like spending a little time doing something together that you both enjoy with no expectations. Or it might mean simply lightening the mood in small ways — a kind word, a genuine smile, a shared activity. These little things can eventually be the start of something bigger. But keep it slow. Keep it genuine. Never make it seem like you have a plan.
This Doesn’t Have To Be A Turning Point: Hearing your husband say he doesn’t always feel love is painful. I won’t pretend otherwise. But it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. And it doesn’t mean the marriage is over. I went through this. I am still married, but I had to get strategic.)
Many couples go through periods of emotional drought and distant feelings, especially when life gets hard, or when unresolved issues pile up (some of which may have nothing to do with you.) But that doesn’t mean you can’t rebuild. That doesn’t mean you can’t be “his person” who is willing to listen. In fact, sometimes being honest about those feelings is what finally brings real change. It honestly took some courage for him to say what he said. Don’t let it go to waste. It may actually turn out to be a good thing if you can turn this around.
Want to read more about how I reconnected with my husband when he most definitely was claiming not to love me anymore and boldly proclaiming he wanted out? It was heartbreaking, but I didn’t let him shake me off for good – although I had to be very strategic. You can read my personal story on my blog at isavedmymarriage.com.
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