Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I will admit that when I was first separated (and fear and loneliness haven’t yet worn me down,) I told myself that I wanted my husband back only if he could come back willingly and only when he could be enthusiastic about it. However, this did not last for long. Once it became pretty evident that this was not going to happen on any quick schedule, I began to lower my expectations somewhat.

And when the separation continued to drag on for a painful amount of time, I began to accept that I would take my husband back in any way that I could get him. At the time, I didn’t really think about how I might respond if my husband came back dragging his feet and clearly doubtful. Thankfully, this didn’t turn out to be the case. But what happens when it is? Do you throw in the towel because things are not as you envisioned them? What happens when your husband is very honest about the fact that coming home isn’t his idea of an ideal scenario? What if he is very honest about the fact that he sees coming home as his worst case scenario?

A wife might say: “my husband finally announced that he is coming home after a long trial separation. But he said it as if he is on the losing team of the super bowl or something. Like he is coming home with his tail between his legs. He said he left to find himself, but he’s come to the conclusion that he might never find himself or ever be fulfilled. And so he doesn’t feel it’s fair to continue to punish the kids while he looks for something that he may never find. My first inclination is to be glad that he’s coming home. This is what I have wanted. But my sister has said (and she is right) that this is an empty victory. I am only getting him by default. He couldn’t figure out how to be happy without me, so he’s just going to be unhappy with me. A few weeks ago, I was excited about the thought of a reconciliation, but now the excitement has waned (because he is pretty much telling me that he’ll come home but not with any enthusiasm whatsoever.) What am I supposed to do with this?”

I know that this is difficult. It may feel like you’re left with choices that aren’t acceptable. You can take him back, fearing that he doesn’t want to be there. Or you can try to take the high road and go it alone or delay a reconciliation with the risk that you might not ever get a second chance.

Understand That Compromise May Be Necessary: As someone who did reconcile after a separation, I can tell you that there are often many compromises that seem like a high price to pay at the time. Sure, we want that romantic, perfect reconciliation where both people are sincere and sure in their attempt to make it work. But not every one is this lucky. No matter how badly you want to reconcile, there is always going to be doubt and fear of failure. They may be some second guessing. This is just natural. But the feelings that you have in the beginning are not always the feelings that you are left with.

As things get resolved and your worst fears don’t happen, you begin to gain confidence in the reconciliation, and that sense that you are getting him by default may begin to wane.

Sure, I would have loved for my husband to be openly declaring his love for me and planning the wonderful, new and improved marriage that we were going to enjoy. But this didn’t happen. We were both hesitant. We were both afraid. There were some awkward days and nights. But we kept moving forward. And as time passed, things got better.

Look For Evidence Of Projection: If you suspect that your husband is going through a sort of disillusionment with other aspects of his life, it never hurts to address this in counseling. Sometimes, he projects this dissatisfaction onto your marriage (when your marriage isn’t the problem now and never really has been.) When people are generally unhappy about their place in the world, they tend to project that on almost everything. It makes sense then, that changing this point of view can also cause a great turn around in his view of your marriage.

But I think it’s a mistake to assume that he will never regain his enthusiasm. It’s natural to have some doubts and some reluctance. There is a lot at stake. People are afraid of failure and rejection. But most move forward anyway. And some find that they were able to restore what was lost. You have to work hard. And you have to have patience. And sometimes, you have to wait it out. But in my experience, waiting it out is better than remaining separated. Even if you have to wait it out, at least you have a chance to end the separation.  My view was that ending the separation was always goal number one, even if things weren’t perfect.  This worked out well, as I am still married today because of this view.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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