Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s an awful feeling when you know that in the very near future, you’re going to be separated when even the person who is initiating the separation admits that it might be a mistake. It’s awful when you both know that the love and the connection is still there, but the relationship is in jeopardy anyway.

For example, a wife might find herself in a situation where she knows that her husband still loves her and that, in essence, she has done nothing wrong. Regardless of this, her husband wants a separation or a break for some obscure reason which has nothing to do with her marriage. She might explain: “my husband told me that he’s going to move out and leave me. I don’t fully understand this. Our marriage isn’t perfect. None is, but ours is pretty good. We don’t have any huge issues. We still love each other. But my husband is not sure that being married is allowing him to ‘live his best life.’ About eight months ago, he started reading self help books and going to seminars. Since then, he has evaluated everything in his life. He’s dropped many of his friends. He’s suddenly extremely ambitious and he wants to do exactly what he thinks is best for him without thinking of the consequences. He still sees his family out of obligation, but he seems to think that their beliefs are holding him back also. I finally got my courage up and I told my husband that he is just going through a phase or a mid life crisis. I told him that I think that this phase is going to pass one day and then he will regret leaving me. He agreed that he is probably going to regret leaving me, but he said that he is going to go forward anyway because he feels like it is what he is meant to do. This is so hard for me. I know that he is making a mistake. But I don’t feel that there is anything that I can do about it.”

The “Now Or Never” Mentality: I know that this is difficult and that you feel helpless. We all know that you can not control someone else. Like it or not, the people we love can and do make their own decisions – even when you both know that the decision is just plain wrong.

I don’t think that it would hurt to try to carefully get him to see things in another way which might help him to change his mind. But I know first hand you can’t control his mind or his feelings. Which means you can’t control what he will ultimately decide.

It is very common for men (or really for anyone) to go through a time in their life where they realize that they do not have an unlimited amount of time left. They may realize that there are some things they have not yet accomplished or dreams that they have not yet realized. And then they will take on the attitude that it’s “now or never.”

Encouraging Him To See Things In A Different Way: Unfortunately, many of them come to believe that their spouse or their marriage is keeping them from pursuing their new goals, even when this isn’t even remotely the case. So, if you have not yet tried to convince him that he doesn’t have to give up his marriage to cultivate his best life, you may try a conversation like this: “I understand that you are trying to change many aspects of your life. I know that you feel that you have to pursue some things in order to feel like you’re living a complete life. But I want to stress to you that I don’t agree that you need to leave me in order to pursue this. I’ve supported you and will continue to do so. If you’re thinking that I am going to hold you back, that is not my intention. I’m committed to living my best life, too. I understand what you are feeling and I only intend to support you. I get that you want to make some changes, but leaving someone who loves and who wants to take this journey with you is a very big and dramatic step. I would ask that you reconsider this. You’ve already said that you know that you are going to regret this. And I don’t see how living your best life includes doing something that you know that you are going to regret.”

I’d avoid trying to use negative arguments like telling him he’s selfish or that he’s being stubborn or dumb. Why? Because that feeds into his idea that he must leave you in order to do what’s best for him, especially since, in his mind, you’re inserting negativity into the situation.

I can’t promise that this is going to work, but I think that it is worth a try. If he resists, then I’m not sure what else there is to do other than to have a positive attitude, focus on your own thoughts and wishes, and to try to maintain access to him throughout this process. Once he sees that living his “best life” alone is not as great as he thought, he may change his mind then. I know that it sometimes feels like once he leaves, he is gone for good, but this was not the case with me, although it was a very scary time. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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