Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are hoping that their husband’s threats to leave are only empty ones. Sometimes, this is the first time that they have heard these types of threats. But other times, this has become a troubling pattern within their marriage.

A wife might say: “my husband and I have been fighting pretty badly for the past eight months or so. We fight over a couple of the same things over and over. The first thing that always comes up is money. He thinks I spend too much, but I think he’s cheap. The second thing that we constantly fight about is that he thinks that I don’t respect him. He’s caught me going behind his back and buying things that he doesn’t know about and then trying to cover it up. He says this is childish behavior which shows a serious lack of respect. Well, last week he got a hold of the credit card bill before I could get to the mail. Needless to say, he saw some charges and then both of our biggest problems came to the surface. But he seemed more angry this time than he has ever been before. He screamed that he was absolutely done with me and our marriage. Since then, he has been looking at apartments. My friends are all freaking out and saying my marriage might be over. But I just can’t believe that he would really walk out the door. One of my girlfriends said that sometimes men just reach their limit and that might be where my husband is now. Will he really leave me?”

I didn’t personally know this wife or her husband. I had no idea if he was really going to leave her. But I can tell you from my own experience that this woman’s friend was right. Men often get to a point where they feel that they must leave to finally get their point across. Often, they feel as if they have tried everything to get you to pay attention or to convince you to work with them to change things. But, in their minds, nothing has seemed to work. So, there often comes a point where they feel that they must leave to get your attention in order to force some change.

Sometimes, they might come back if they see the change that they wanted. Other times, they feel pretty determined to be completely finished with you or with your marriage. That’s why it’s so important to at least attempt to do some damage control before he actually leaves, which I will discuss more below.

If You Can, Show Him Enough Immediate But Sincere Change So That He Doesn’t Need To Leave To Prove His Point: Even though you may be tempted to suddenly promise your husband anything in order to get him to stay, this often backfires eventually. Because he knows what you are trying to do. So he’s going to doubt you and he’s going to doubt that you will really do what you are claiming. That’s why it’s important to only promise what you can deliver, and, if possible to show him concrete proof that you can and will change.

So as one example, in this case, the wife could come to her husband with some cut up credit cards to show good faith that she really was going to change. She wasn’t going to make an empty promise. She wasn’t going to tell her husband that he was being cheap. She was going to grow up and stop trying to hide the truth from him since her dishonesty and deception was putting her marriage in serious jeopardy.

Now, it was going to have to be up to the wife to determine what she would be willing to do in order to make progress. To me, cutting up the credit cards seemed a small price to pay, especially since her husband had given her multiple chances and had tried to work with her until she had repeatedly been secretive and deceptive. Sure, she was very upset and sad that the husband had reached the end of his rope, but if she could be rational and objective, she might realize that he was justified in doing so.

Don’t Give Him The Impression That You’re Not Taking Him Seriously: Many wives will try to downplay this situation as a form of strategy. They’ll try to call his bluff. Here’s why I think that this strategy can be a serious mistake. I’ve seen many men feel that they have no choice but to take very dramatic action in order to prove that they absolutely are not bluffing. And when a husband leaves you to prove his point, you’re going to have a much harder time fixing things than if you go ahead and take action now.

It’s much easier to improve your situation when your husband is furious but still at home than it is when he’s calmer but has already moved out. I believe that it can be a very serious mistake to either downplay your husband’s claims or to try to argue your own point. You don’t want to tell him that he’s overreacting or that he has no right to be so upset. Instead, you want to try to validate him by acknowledging that you understand why he is so upset. Then, try to offer some resolution and outline what you are willing to do in order to make things right.

So to answer the question posed, yes husbands do sometimes really leave wives when they have reached the end of their rope. Some even leave for less valid reasons. Because the truth of the matter is, it really is his choice instead of yours. But with a little sincerity and a workable plan, you can sometimes prevent this before he actually leaves.

I wish I would’ve taken my husband more seriously when he started to make comments about our marriage.  I downplayed it and tried to make him feel as if he were asking too much.  Eventually, he moved out and asked for a separation in order to get my attention.  He felt that he was done also.  And getting him back was a lot harder than taking him seriously would have been.  Eventually, I did find some strategies that worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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