Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are getting a strange and disturbing message from their husbands. Sometimes, the husband announces that he is struggling to determine who he is and what he wants. And there are times that he will decide that because of this crisis of the self, he must place his marriage on hold. Many wives have no experience with this type of issue and therefore don’t know if he is just giving empty excuses or if he is  actually serious. And if so, they wonder, what is the best way to handle this?

I heard from a wife who said: “for the last several months, my husband has returned to graduate school at night. About a year ago, he decided that he hated his job and that he wanted to go in a completely different direction with his life. I encouraged him to go back to school. I want him to enjoy his career and I want for him to be happy. Well, his going back to school lead him to question other areas in his life. Suddenly, he’s not sure who he is or what he wants anymore. I knew that he was struggling with this, but I was totally floored and unprepared when he came home last week and told me that because he is searching for his new identity, he can’t be with me right now. He suggested that we separate for a little while in order for him to determine who he is and what he wants out of life. I’m really a little angry about this. All along, I have encouraged him to follow his heart. I have even helped pay for his schooling and now all of a sudden, I’m no longer good enough for him and I don’t fit into his new life style? As angry as I am at him, I don’t want to lose him. I am in this marriage for the long haul. But how do I get him to change his mind? He honestly thinks that he needs to completely overhaul is life. How do I make him see that I am not included in all of the things that he needs to discard?”

This is a difficult, but not an uncommon, situation. And it often happens in mid life when people realize that because their time here is limited, they want to make sure that they get the most of their life and spend it in a way that agrees with their values and their wishes. And no one can argue that this is admirable and that everyone deserves to be happy. However, sometimes people become so enthusiastic about this process that there is a risk that the person initiating the change is lumping everything in their life together, even when some of those things are still working.

It was important for the wife to ask herself if her husband might perceive that she wants to hold him back or slow him down in some days. I don’t mention this to be cruel. I mention it because if your husband perceives that you want to keep him from his goals, he may actually pull away from you even more. It’s so important that he believes that you genuinely want and encourage the best for him. He must believe that you support him in this process. You also need to understand that how you discuss this is very important. He mustn’t think that you are trying to keep him from those changes that will make him happy or will bring him closer to the self discovery that he is looking for, which leads me to my next point.

Make Sure He Knows That Not Only Do You Encourage His Change, But You Are Willing To Grow With Him: It is so common for couples to grow apart when one of them commits to self growth. And the reason for this is that the spouse who is growing often perceives that staying with their spouse will limit their growth and will hold them back. Or, they feel so guilty that they eventually decide it would just be easier for everyone if they separated for a while.

In order to avoid this, it’s very important that you make it clear that your goal is to support your husband because you love him and you want him to be happy. He must believe that you aren’t making any judgements about his transformation. He should know that you support him because you trust him to make sound decisions.

It can also help that he sees that you are also committed to self growth. If there is anything that you’ve been wanting to address in your own life, it can help if he sees that you are going through the same process that he is. This shows him that you share his commitment to growth.

At the same time, you can ask him to consider that he may not need to move out or separate from you in order to find himself. A suggested script might be something like: “I hear what you are saying and you know that I support you in whatever you need to do in order to be happy. I love you and your happiness and well being is very important to me. But I’m not sure that I agree that we need to separate in order for you to find out who you are. I am certainly willing to give you space and the time that you need. I can move out of our bedroom for a while if you feel it’s necessary. But with these concessions, I’m not sure why you’d need to move out or why we’d need to separate. I support your finding yourself but the idea of a separation is questionable to me. Of course, this is your decision. But I hope you will think about it and realize that I support you and that you don’t need to separate from me in order to do this work.  I plan to work on myself also, but I don’t believe that I need to separate from you in order for this to happen.”

Hopefully, he will agree to this. But if he doesn’t, it’s important that you keep this in perspective. Don’t panic and don’t try to make him feel mistaken or guilty about asking for this time. The reason is that people looking for a transformation will often want to discard whatever they think is standing in their way. That’s why it’s so important that your husband doesn’t think that he must chose between his growth and his marriage. It’s important for you to show him that he can have both.

I believe that one of the reasons that my husband separated from me was because he perceived that I wasn’t willing to grow with him.  I did eventually grow but it wasn’t really my idea at the time.  Still, looking back now, I realize that the things we went through during our separation made us stronger in the end.  If it helps, you read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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