Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are extremely hurt because their husband has admitted that his feelings for them have changed.  Sometimes, he admits that he no longer feels the same way that he used to.  Often, the husband will insist that he still loves his wife, but he will make a distinction that he’s no longer “in love” with her or he’ll stress that he doesn’t feel the same way as he did very early on in their marriage.

I heard from a wife who expressed something similar to: “My marriage has been on the decline for a while, but I still love my husband.  Apparently, he doesn’t feel the same way about me.  The other day we got into a fight and he turned his back on me and began to walk away.  I told him that you shouldn’t walk away from someone that you are supposed to love.  After the words came out of my mouth, my husband gave me a very odd look.  Something told me that I should ask him if he loves me.  So I did.  And he hesitated.  So I repeated ‘you don’t love me?’  And once again he just stared at me.  I asked him to sit down so that we could have a conversation about this.  Finally, it came out that he doesn’t feel the same way about me as he did when we first got married.  However, he insists that he still loves me but says he no longer feels those passionate, ‘in love” toe-curling type of feelings that he used to feel.  This has me so worried about my marriage because I am still in love with him.  I asked him if he wanted a separation and he said not right now, but he may in the future.  I have no idea what to do or how to respond to this.”

Taking Immediate Action Is Better Than Just Hoping For The Best:  I felt that this wife was absolutely right to be concerned about this.  Many wives don’t want to face up to major problems and will just tell themselves that you can’t expect the passion to last forever.  And while that might be a valid point, I know from experience that when your husband tells you very directly that his feelings for you have changed, you should not only pay attention, but you should take quick action.  I tried to tell myself that things really were fine when my husband started dropping hints about his changing feelings and this turned out to be a mistake that almost costs me my marriage.   I believe that it’s a potentially terrible mistake to just sit back and hope that things work themselves off.  Because many times, they won’t.  It’s so much better to be proactive and to begin to make changes before things have reached a crisis level. It’s easier to improve or even save your marriage when your husband still has loving feelings for you.

Know That Those Loving Feelings Are A Great Foundation, But You Need (And Deserve) More:  The very successfully married couples who remain mostly happy throughout their lives are those who don’t really lose their passionately affectionate feelings for each other or that knowledge that they are in love with their spouse.  Of course, passionate love does wane a bit over time but couples who are still deeply bonded do want to touch one another or express those loving feelings even if that reaching out to each other isn’t always sexual in nature.  Even if you’ve been together for a long time, you still deserve a relationship in which your spouse feels very closely bonded to and affectionate toward you.  There’s a difference in loving someone because they are your spouse or the father or mother of your children and loving them because they elicit feelings within you.  If you’re no longer at this point, know that you deserve and need this type of love.  And with some attention and time, you can return your marriage to this place.

Make The Process Or Returning The Romantic Love A Priority and  A Pleasure:  Many people make the mistake of panicking and of thinking that they have to make very drastic changes almost immediately. Try not to make this mistake.  Because it’s very common for people to suddenly demand very drastic behaviors or actions that your spouse may outright reject.  For example, many wives will suddenly assume that their husbands are going to divorce them and so they demand counseling or something that many husbands will feel reluctance toward.  Sometimes you have to be very careful that you make this process one that is actually fun for both of you.  Instead, of making your spouse reluctant about the process, you want them to embrace it so that they will be a willing (rather than a reluctant) participant.

Try to take a very honest look at what your spouse wants from you.  Ask yourself if your marital activities have become stale or if you’ve stopped putting in the time and effort.  Try to be very objective.  This step is important because in order to get your spouse on board, you’ll need to show him that improving your marriage will directly benefit him and help him to get more of what he truly wants.  Many men miss physical intimacy.  So it helps to show him that by giving you more of what you want, he’s going to get more of the physical contact that he wants.  This often strengthens your marriage on multiple levels and it is often the fast track to return those feelings of being “in love.”

I still remember very vividly when my husband told me his feelings had changed.  It felt as if my whole world started spinning.  Unfortunately, though, I panicked and this only made the situation worse.  I had a lot of ground to make up by the time I educated myself on what it would truly take to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read about how I completely changed our marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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