My Husband Says Our Marriage Can’t Be Fixed. Is He Right?
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives strongly disagree with the husbands who are telling them that their marriage is damaged beyond repair. Often, one spouse (typically the husband) wants to leave the marriage behind because they think that there is no saving it. At the same time, there is usually another spouse (often the wife) who strongly disagrees and thinks that if the couple worked together, they could not only fix their marriage but improve it enough so that they could both be happy.
A wife might say: “my marriage has been in trouble for some time. At first, my husband and I sort of ignored our problems. But eventually, we couldn’t do that any longer as there were some days that we couldn’t stand to be in the same room. We have totally grown apart and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of chemistry left between us. Sometimes, when we go out to dinner, it is clear that we don’t have anything to talk about. It’s so obvious and painful that we don’t connect anymore. However, I don’t think that any of this means that our marriage can’t be fixed. My husband disagrees. He says that our marriage is too far gone to fix. He says he’s tired of looking at a stranger every night. Is he right? Is there any way for me to tell if my marriage can be fixed or not?” I will try to address these issues in the following article.
I Believe That There Is Always Hope To Fix Your Marriage As Long As One Of You Is Committed To Doing So: I almost never believe that a marriage is too far gone to fix. One reason for this is likely that I am not the most objective person about this topic. I was in this same situation and I refused to believe that my marriage was over even if most of the signs indicated that it absolutely was (and even though my husband had no interest in saving it.) So I’m very stubborn in that way. But I have also seen marriages other than my own revive even when one of the spouses believed that it could not be fixed.
People change their minds and their perceptions every day and then go on to save their marriages and be happy. That’s not to say that it just magically happens for each couple. It usually takes a good deal of work and, sometimes, a little luck. But I often think it’s possible, especially if one spouse has enough determination for two people.
What It Usually Takes To Fix Your Marriage When Your Husband Insists That It Can’t Be Fixed: As I alluded to, sometimes hoping and having the drive to fix your marriage isn’t going to be enough. Although your husband doesn’t necessarily have to be on board throughout this entire process, he obviously has a say as to whether your marriage has been fixed to the extent that he wants to stay and participate in it. If he ultimately decides that he’s come to the end of the marriage, he can take steps to end it. So it’s important that you understand that you will have to eventually convince him that your marriage has or can be fixed. However, I don’t think that you need his blessing or his permission in the beginning.
Because in the early stages, you are just going to be taking inventory of what is wrong with your marriage and you’re going to be taking the steps that you can complete on your own in order to improve your situation. And, you’re going to be making changes to yourself, your focus, and your outlook that might almost immediately improve how you relate to your husband and your marriage.
What is necessary to fix your marriage is to change your husband’s perception of the fact that it’s not fixable. This is sometimes going to be a gradual process that takes tiny baby steps until you’ve reached the end. You can typically start out by making sure you have a can do and upbeat attitude. Don’t go into this thinking that your back is against the wall and that you have to take drastic measures. Don’t make your primary goal changing his mind. Make it your primary goal to focus on what is right rather than on what is wrong. Focus on the positive when it is at all possible.
It’s also important to overcome your husband’s perceptions about what it is going to take to save your marriage. I dialogue with a lot of husbands on this topic and I can tell you that many husbands assume that fixing your marriage is going to be a long, painful process that likely isn’t going to be worth it. That’s why it’s so important to show him (rather than telling him) that he is wrong about this. When you focus on the positive, take matters into your own hands, and begin making changes yourself, you show your husband that the process isn’t as difficult or as painful as he may have assumed. And doing so can be much more effective than any words that you could possibly say.
Once he sees improvements that weren’t painful or problematic to accomplish, he may begin to change his outlook. It’s often at this point that you will see some cooperation from him. Be careful that you don’t move too quickly when this happens. You don’t want to suddenly make demands when he was just beginning to warm up to the idea that fixing your marriage is possible after all.
So to answer the question posed, I think that a marriage can almost always be fixed as long as one person is willing to take the initiative in the beginning. Of course, eventually, the husband will have to truly believe in your marriage once again. But you can usually take the lead to ensure that this happens.
When my husband insisted our marriage had reached the point of no return, I panicked and made many mistakes that were based on fear. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and, before it was too late, I changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but to save our marriage. You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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