Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Sometimes wives feel as if they might be running out of time to save their marriage.  Often, the last thing that they want is to give up, but their husband isn’t completely on board.  In fact, he will often do whatever he can to discourage them that there is any hope left.  Sometimes, he has even started seeing other people and will go so far to directly tell the wife that it is already too late.

A wife might have this situation: “my husband left me for a trial separation about seven weeks ago.  I have never given up hope because my love for him is as strong as the day that we were married.  I realize that our marriage isn’t perfect and I am willing to do whatever I need to do in order to improve it.  The problem is that it doesn’t appear that I am going to have that chance.  A couple that we are friendly with just recommended an excellent marriage counselor to me.  I wanted to share this information with my husband because it sounded like this might help us.  But when I called him with this news he told me that the counselor isn’t going to work.  He said that it’s too late to save our marriage because he’s started seeing someone else.  I told him that this was OK as long as he stopped seeing her right away and went to counseling with me.  He said he wasn’t willing to stop seeing the other woman.  He said that he feels ready to move on and that in his own mind our marriage is over.  He stressed that I should just accept it and begin to move on with my life in the same way that he has.  I am not sure that I can do this.   I don’t want to move on.  I want my husband and my marriage.  Is he right? Is it too late for us?  Because I am not sure if it is too late for me.  And I’m not sure if I have any choices at all.”

I really understood where this wife was coming from.  I have been on the other side of this conversation.  My own husband was relentless and in his assertion that it was too late to save our marriage.  But I was pretty stubborn and I didn’t give up.  Still, I did realize that in order for us to stay married, it would take both of us to agree to that arrangement.  If he had decided to divorce me, I knew that I could only prolong the process for so long.  However, I also knew that while I couldn’t completely control what my husband said or did, I could control my own behaviors and reactions.  And it was my own decision as to whether or not I wanted to give up.  I completely realized that he might divorce me and that might mean the end of my marriage.  I could not control that.  But his ending the marriage would not have meant that my feelings for him would have ended.  That was completely within my own control.  Now, I’ll move onto the topic of his seeing someone else.

His Seeing Someone Else Right Now Doesn’t Think That Things Won’t Change Later:  Often when people first separate, the one who initiated the separation feels as if they need to take full advantage of the situation.  To that end, they will sometimes consider seeing other people.  And when that happens, it can feel as if a corner has been turned or a line has been crossed.  This can lead them to assume that they’ve gone too far or that the marriage can’t be saved.  This isn’t always the case, of course.  Plenty of couples end up saving their marriage after one or both of them has started seeing other people.  Merely dating someone during a separation doesn’t mean that you’ve met a soul mate who is going to replace your spouse forever.

Sometimes seeing other people actually makes you eventually appreciate your spouse more or miss them when you didn’t even think that this was possible.  Frankly, I could not see into the future in this scenario, so I had no way to know if the husband’s new relationship was going to last or was going to contribute to the end of the marriage.  But, here is what I do know.  Countless couples eventually get it together even after they’ve started dating again.  Still others reconcile or get remarried after they have divorced.  Some even break up and live apart for several years until they find one another again.  In fact, to me, the only scenario which says your marriage is over for good is if one of you is no longer on this earth.

How Do You Proceed When Your Husband Says His Seeing Other Women Makes It Too Late To Save Your Marriage?: My best advice is not to panic.  And I’ve found that it doesn’t really help to argue with him.  I know that it’s tempting to try to debate and prove your point but he’s often not in the right frame of mind to listen.  Some wives will try to put down the other woman or point out her flaws.  But you have to understand that it isn’t really about her.  It’s best to place your focus on you and on him rather than on third parties.  You might want to tell him that you’re sorry that he feels this way but that you hope in time that he might see things differently.  You might stress that you will be there should he ever need you, but that you’re going to take his advice and get on with your life.  Now, we both know that you’re posturing a bit.  But he needs to know that you respect yourself enough to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.  Do things that you enjoy and make sure he knows about it.  Surround yourself with other people who love and support you.  And leave the ball in his court.  Just continue to live your life and see how he will respond.  Remain positive and approachable but don’t be the only one doing the communicating.

Sometimes, the new relationship will come to a natural end and you will be sitting pretty when it does.  Because you have set yourself up to be in a position of strength rather than one of weakness. And this sometimes matters more than you know. When my own husband told me our marriage was over, I chose not to believe it, although I knew he had plenty of say in the matter.  But I eventually chose not to panic and to portray a woman who was in control. Once I did this, my husband responded to me in a whole new way.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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