Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When couples separate or hit a rough patch, it’s very common to want to analyze what, exactly, went wrong. Especially in the early days when emotions and frustrations run high, it’s easy to look for someone to blame.

As understandable as this desire is, it can be very harmful. At a time when you need to come together when you want to save your marriage, this type of blame drives you further apart and can make the spouses feel unfairly attacked or misunderstood. It can also make any hope of reconciliation feel very far away. 

A wife might say, “On the rare occasions that my separated husband will even talk to me these days, he is always eager to lay most of the blame for our issues at my feet. It is always me who is to blame. Supposedly, I am the one who didn’t make time for our marriage. I am the one who is so unyielding and do not listen.

According to him, I am a self-centered person who always puts myself first. Hearing these things hurt so much, but they also make me feel defensive toward him. Deep down, I want to save my marriage, but I am very reluctant to directly admit that to him because of the stance he is taking here. I am not claiming to be blameless. I made plenty of mistakes. But so did he. And I don’t know where it leaves us if he makes me out to be the bad guy all of the time.

To hear him talk, it sounds like he hates me. Part of me wants to debate him about all of this, but another part of me doesn’t want to make this any worse. Does it even matter if I disagree with him about this?

It may matter down the road. But please take this in the way that I intend it – gently and with love – it just doesn’t matter all that much right now, and I will tell you why below.

Frustrated, Separated Spouses Say Many Things They Don’t Actually Mean:  

Please hear me out. Take a deep breath, and think for just a second about how you feel about your separation right now. You’re likely sad, frustrated, scared, insecure, and all types of negative emotions that don’t exactly bring out the best in you. 

 Different people react to these emotions in different ways. Some cling. Others lash out. The behavior you are seeing from your husband right now may be at least in part due to the same negative feelings that he is feeling.

That is why I wouldn’t take anything that he says as gospel. My husband and I said and did all types of awful things to one another right before and during our separation. But do you think those things matter to us now? Not a lick. 

I’ve forgotten most of them, but some of the ones I can remember make me sort of laugh today. I can laugh now because I’m still married to my husband. And I must admit that some of the things he said back then were very creative coming from a man who isn’t typically creative. 

My point is that you are both going to be tempted to say and do things that you may regret later. Try to limit that damage as much as you can.

Progress and Compromise Has a Way of Erasing Every Bit of Blame: 

I hope that you will find that as you can make some progress with your husband and your separation, the spirit of compromise will start to rise.

Hopefully, you will find that he’ll give a tiny little bit. So you will maybe give back a smidge in return. As you spend more time apart and alone, you’ll often find that you’re willing to make many more concessions. The things that seemed so insurmountable before stop mattering so much.

Those huge fights seem somewhat silly in retrospect. When this happens, much of the blame starts to drop away. As you reconnect, the blame game just doesn’t matter that much anymore. So while you may want to debate him about this now, please think hard about that before you engage. 

It is possible that a month from now, it just isn’t going to matter. So why make things worse?

How to Move Forward in the Face of Fault Finding:  

I know that all of the above might sound better to you, but you may have doubts as to how in the world you are going to make this type of progress when you have a separated husband who is blaming you for everything.

Well, I do have a bit of a solution although you might not like it at first listen. Simply consider the long game for now. Yes, you can get in a blame game with him if you want to. But what is that going to do for you? What is that going to do for your marriage?

To move forward, sometimes you have to put on blinders – especially in the beginning when tensions are high. Honestly, it doesn’t much matter who is right or wrong in the end. What matters is whether the two of you can ultimately get this together. 

I don’t even care what my husband said to me at the height of our separation anymore. All I care about is that I still have him and that he’s not saying those things today because the hurt and pain just aren’t there anymore.

If you can see your husband as wounded just like you, this situation starts to look a little different. If you can look at things a month or even six months to a year from now, I promise you that things can be very different. 

Just for a short period of time, see what happens when you don’t engage. Watch what might occur when you take the high road. It might change things substantially. And if it doesn’t, at least you didn’t make things worse. 

I learned to ignore the worst of what my husband said in the heat of the moment during our separation.  I tried to place my attention on positive things instead.  Admittedly, it was slow going at first.  But very gradually, we made so much progress that we reconciled.  You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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