Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I  hear from wives who are trying everything in their power to get their husbands to come back home. And some of the husbands will give the wives every reason under the sun why he can’t come home. Sometimes, these reasons sound a lot like excuses and the wife can begin to wonder if he will ever come home or if she’s just wasting her time.

I heard from a wife who said: “I’ve been trying to get my husband to come back home for several weeks. The kids miss him horribly. I’m struggling to keep everything running smoothly and it’s hard to get everything done on my own. It’s time for him to come home. But when I tell him this, it doesn’t seem to matter. Last night he told me ‘if I come home now, it will only be out of guilt. Is that really what you want? Is that the way that you want to get me home?’ I only had to think about it for a split second before I replied that I didn’t really care why he came home as long as he did. The truth is, he should feel guilty about leaving me alone with my two kids. He’s out probably having the time of his life without any responsibilities and here I am all alone. So if he’s only coming home out of guilt, I am fine with that. But honestly, I know that he isn’t really coming home any time soon anyway. All of the guilt talk is just his way of saying that he really isn’t coming home right away. So what do I do now? Because I don’t care why he comes home as long as he does.”

Understand That When You Get Him Home Out Of Guilt, You Might Be Only Getting Him Back Temporarily: I understand wanting to do whatever you have to do in order to get him to come home. But you also have to think about what will put you in the best position to keep him home. I know that the idea of him coming home in whatever way necessary is appealing. But I hear from a lot of husbands who tell me that even when they do come home out of guilt, they’re pretty miserable because the decision to come home did not come naturally. They often feel pressured and manipulated and, much of the time, they’re going to be tempted to leave again quite quickly.

More Effective Ways Of Getting Him Back Without Needing To Guilt Him: I’m sure you probably already realize that if you can make him want to come back out of reasons other than guilt, you will have a better chance of your marriage actually working for the long term. Many wives do understand this, but they don’t believe that it’s possible, since their husband just hasn’t shown a lot of interest before. But a possible reason for his lack of interest may be your reliance on negative emotions like guilt.

He’s not as likely to listen to what you say if he knows that most of what you say is just meant to make him feel bad. So, he’s going to have a natural inclination to tune you out because he would rather feel good about himself if it’s at all possible.

As unappealing as it may sound right now, often the most effective way to get him back is to stop trying to lay on the guilt. I know that I’m asking a lot because it’s very likely that you are telling the absolute truth when you let on how much you are struggling. But, he’s less likely to respond to you when you use this is your strategy. So, as difficult as it might be, make sure he sees you as capable and coping, even if it means omitting some of the true but negative details.

Why? Because people are just naturally attracted to other people who make them feel better instead of worse. If every time he is around you, he’s very aware of his mistakes and current issues, he’s more likely to see you negatively, even if those feelings should be what he feels about himself.

On the other hand, if every time he’s with you he leaves with a smile on his face or he laughs easily, then he’s likely to see you as attractive and he’s likely to have good memories of these encounters that make him miss you in the end.

Admittedly, this is a slower process. But it is also much more likely to work because allowing him to make up his own mind rather than forcing guilt upon him ensures that you both know that he’s home because of his own choosing and wishes. Many wives admit to me that having a man at home who clearly doesn’t want to be there and who is so cold because he clearly resents being manipulated is worse than not having him home at all. Sure, he’s there physically, but that’s about it.

I know it’s difficult, but my advice is to not settle for the cheap, easy, or temporary victory. Hold out for the real deal. You deserve (and should want) a man who truly wants to be with you and who can’t wait to get home to you because he has realized his mistake all on his own.

Believe me when I say that I used guilt A LOT when I was trying to get my husband back home.  But not only did it not work, it made him avoid me more than ever and it made him coming home much less likely.  It wasn’t until I backed off on the whole guilt thing that I finally gained some ground.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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