Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who say that it is as if their feelings have been put under a microscope during their separation. They might try to share their feelings during this time, only to be told that what they are feeling is inappropriate or wrong. This can leave the wife wondering if perhaps she shouldn’t share her feelings anymore or if she is doing (or feeling) something wrong.

I might hear a comment similar to something like: “I did not want to separate, but my husband did. I tried to talk him out of it but no matter what I said, it didn’t matter. It seemed that he wanted his freedom no matter what. I think that he feels that being married to me somehow holds him back and makes him feel like he’s not totally free. I hate this separation. I miss him so much. It is so hard to come home to an empty house. I feel that I have lost part of myself. I hate the uncertainly of not knowing what is going to happen to us. I hate feeling like I might lose the person who I know that I am meant to be with. It’s difficult for me to enjoy time with my friends or to function at work. Things just feel off. However, when I tell my husband these things, he tells me that I should not be feeling this way and that I am looking at things all wrong. He says that we should be taking this as an opportunity to explore ourselves as individuals without focusing on and fretting being apart. He says that I am being too clingy and that I am trying to make him feel guilty. In short, he’s telling me not to feel what I’m feeling. I’m not sure how to respond to this. I can’t help the way that I feel. And, I’m not sure that I want to lie to him and pretend that I’m fine when I’m not. How am I supposed to react to this?”

Why He May Not Want To Hear About Your Feelings, At Least For Now: This is a tough situation. But I can tell you that many husbands who initiated the separation (especially the ones who tell you that they need space) will resist you telling them anything that is going to make them feel guilty about what they have done. I hear from a lot of these men on my blog and they are often wanting some time to evaluate how they are feeling. And, one of the reasons that they pursue a separation is because they feel that they can’t do that while they are living on the same roof as you and having to talk about their feelings and their thought process throughout this entire time. But, when you are bringing forth your thought process and telling them how much you are struggling, then they can feel that this is impeding the process that they have been asking for all along. I am not saying that they are correct in this assumption. I am telling you what might be a part of his thought process.

Why I Don’t Advocate Announcing Your Thought Process:  His resistance is why I suggest that although you not lie about how you feel, you don’t come right out and announce it either, especially if it’s obvious that it is making him uncomfortable. Sometimes, when I tell people this, they tell me that it makes them uncomfortable because they feel like they are lying. I do understand this concern. But I see it this way. It’s not out and out lying when the end justifies the means.

During my own separation, I noticed that my husband would back away from me when I was honest about how much I was struggling. I’m sure it made him feel badly and it didn’t make him want his space any less. So, what was the point? My strategy became to attempt to bring myself up in terms of mood so that I didn’t have to pretend that I wasn’t struggling. I really wanted to make it so that I was coping instead. As difficult as it was, I started seeing friends more and forcing myself out of the house. This elevated my mood and outlook so that I didn’t have to pretend or hold back nearly as much.

Does this mean that I no longer missed my husband or that I no longer felt discouraged by the uncertainty and the loneliness? Absolutely not. I still absolutely felt all of these things, although I didn’t feel them as intensely once I began to focus more on myself and more on the positive. However, I chose not to broadcast the things that I knew would cause my husband to avoid me. Over time, this helped quite a lot. And it made things less awkward, which allowed us to make progress. Once we saved our marriage, I no longer had the feelings anyway.

But to answer the original question, I honestly don’t believe that any one has the right to tell you that your feelings are “wrong.” They are yours. They are authentic. And, like it or not, you can’t stop them from coming forth. But, sometimes you have to ask yourself if sharing them or dwelling on them are going to help your cause or hurt it. If you feel that they are hurting your chances of saving your marriage as I did, then I don’t think there is anything wrong with expressing them to friends or to your journal for a while.

That is what I did. I never changed my feelings. But I didn’t always advertise them, especially when the separation was new. Once my husband became interested in me again, I held back a little then, too because I didn’t want to jeopardize the progress that I’d made. I only truly unloaded all of my feelings after we had reconciled and our marriage was no longer on shaky ground. But I always found a way to release them, which I believe is absolutely vital. Don’t deny them. Don’t bottle them up. But consider sharing them at the appropriate time and place. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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