Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: The economy isn’t great for most people right now. Inflation is up. Food prices are through the roof, and the cost of housing is at an all-time high in many places. Plenty of couples are struggling to support one shared home.

The current financial situation can pose challenges to couples who might otherwise split their households and pursue a separation or divorce. With the cost of living so high, it can seem impossible to support two households right now.  

And this can actually be good news for you if you want to save your marriage. But it can be bad news for the spouse who has one foot out the door. For example, if a wife wants to stay married, and the husband wants to separate, he can be very vocal about the financial reasons that are forcing him to stay.

A wife might say, “Our marriage has been struggling for several months. There have been brief periods where it seemed like things might have been better in our marriage, but they never lasted for long. It’s become increasingly obvious that he really, really wants out. I’ve tried to be more accommodating to change his mind about us, but it hasn’t really helped. The other night, we got into an argument, and I blurted out that I knew he was looking to leave, and he told me that he certainly did want to leave but he’s stuck because it’s too expensive to get an apartment, and we can’t afford to live separately.” 

“He then went on to list how much groceries cost, how much apartments cost, how much we pay for cars and insurance, and various other bills. As though I don’t know all of those things. I am the one who does the grocery shopping. He acted as if he is being held prisoner in an awful place because we don’t make enough money for the luxury of not living together anymore. This hurt me deeply. I wish I made more money. But not so he could leave me. And it hurts to think that he’s here when he’d rather be anywhere else. If he were to get a raise, I know he’d be out of here. He’s just with me by default. And he’s likely biding his time until he can afford to be rid of me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with this news.”

Try to See the Advantage You Have: I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I know that it is painful and not the trajectory you want your marriage to take. But I have to be honest. There are some advantages here. If you’re going to be separated or facing separation, it is better to still have access to your husband. Once he actually moves out, he can do what he wants. He never has to talk to or see you. So you’re free to drift apart, he’s free to see other people, and you could face divorce before you know it.

This doesn’t always happen, of course. Sometimes, the space actually works for people. Or the wife comes up with a strategy that turns things around. My husband did move out when we separated, but we did eventually reconcile. Still, there were many challenges along the way. If I’d had access to my husband, the reconciliation process may have been more smooth and quick.

Given the choice between the two, I think it’s advantageous to still live under the same roof for many reasons. There is much less risk.

Determining What is Most Needed:  Although your husband is still there under your roof, he may not always be invested or attentive. It may help to take inventory and ask yourself what would most soothe this situation. In cases where you are fighting or there is tension, it may help to give each other a bit of space.

When you give space, you’re still living together, but you’re respecting boundaries and allowing your spouse to have that time and space that he may have hoped that moving out would give him. That way, he may come to realize that the grass isn’t greener in his own place. He’s getting some time without needing to take on the expense of another home to support.

Take Away the Tension: Another suggestion is to try to take away as much tension as you can. During times of marital strife, no one is having any fun. Both people are walking on eggshells, so your home starts to feel like an adversarial, tense place where no one wants to be.

But what would happen if you could change this? What would it mean if you could lighten up a little? What if you could laugh a few times per day? What if, over time, you could make things more light-hearted in your home so that the two of you could one day have a conversation that isn’t filled with tension and awkwardness? What if you could restore the ease between you?

Control Your Part: What if you could take an honest look at where you’re contributing to the issues in your marriage and you could remove those things to change the entire dynamic between you? I’m not in any way saying that any of this is your fault or that you’re the only one responsible for fixing your marriage.

But I am saying, from experience, that sometimes it makes sense to take charge and to change the things over which you have some control. Your husband likely isn’t going to let you change him right now. He’s also not likely to listen to your suggestions about what he needs to change.

But you can certainly take inventory of what you yourself can change. You can certainly start with yourself. You would be surprised at how impactful this can be. Sometimes, when your husband sees you taking the initiative, he will begin to be a little more receptive to working with you. He’ll see that you’re less interested in continuing to maintain the unsatisfying status quo and you’re motivated to make things more satisfying for the both of you. And that can mean a lot and be the first step toward real change and improvement.

You never know what the first step is truly going to be.  Mine came at the last time I expected it.  But because I never gave up, it DID come.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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