Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who are overwhelmed at their husband’s latest assertion that he’s no longer in love with them. Often, these wives feel as if their whole world has stopped spinning on its axis. They aren’t even sure how to process this, much less to react to it. And coping? Well, that’s about a million miles down the road.

One of these wives could say: “for the last several months, my husband has seemed somewhat depressed and distant. I asked him about this numerous times, but he would never give me an answer or he would tell me that I was just imagining things. Finally, yesterday we got into a huge fight over something very stupid. And in a fit of anger, he yelled ‘you want to know why I’ve been acting so distant? Fine, I’ll tell you. I’m not in love with you anymore.’ I couldn’t even get any words of response out of my mouth. I am still somewhat in disbelief. I called in sick to work because I just don’t want to face people. How do you even cope with it when your husband is no longer in love with you?”

Unfortunately, I have been in this wife’s shoes. And I know that it is not pleasant. I know how it hurts. But it can and usually does get better. Below, I’ll offer some tips to help you to cope with this.

Know That He May Have Responded In Anger Or Frustration. His Negative Words May Be In Line With His Negative Feelings: Most of the time, when wives contact me after their husband has told them he’s not in love with them, this sudden assertion has come right after a fight or a huge loss. I’m not going to tell you that he didn’t mean these words, but I am going to tell you to try to put them into context.

The things that people say when they are extremely angry or frustrated aren’t always completely accurate. Instead, they are meant to get your attention, to wound you, or to prompt you to take some sort of action. Ask yourself if this is possible in your case. Because I can’t tell you how many husbands have confessed that they’ve told their wife they are no longer in love with her just to get her to pay attention or to get her to stop in her tracks.

Don’t Allow His Hurtful Words To Unleash A Destructive Course Of Action: Many wives are at first stunned to hear these words. Later, as they calm down, they may become quite hurt or even angry. And when they are in this state, they can lash out or they can assure their husband that they don’t love him either or that he’s quite a jerk for his newfound mouthiness.

And if this doesn’t get the response the wives were after, they will continue on with either words or actions meant to get back at their husband. While this might feel good at the time, all it really does is make things worse. The marriage can continue to be damaged further and further just because one or both spouses are either trying to get a reaction or are trying to get back at the other for some perceived pain or slight.

Don’t Do Anything Rash Even If This Feels Right At The Time: Many wives will immediately want to know if their husbands are going to seek a separation or divorce. Often, the husband isn’t sure or doesn’t know. Not all wives will settle for this answer. It’s very common for them to respond with something like “well if you’re going to divorce me anyway, then what are you waiting for? Why would you stay married to someone that you don’t love? I don’t need your pity.”

Of course, these words are said out of frustration. Often, the wife wants nothing more than for her husband to say that he was wrong and to assert that he doesn’t want a divorce. But this doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, he will take you up on your words, which is usually the last thing that you want. It is so important that you don’t push for a quick resolution if your husband or you still have doubts. Decisions made after negative assertions or emotions are often not sound decisions. These are often decisions that you will come to regret once you calm down.

Try To Surround Yourself With Things And People That Lift You Up While You’re Waiting For The Dust To Settle: Hopefully, I’ve shown you (at least somewhat) that you should give this some time before you act. As I’ve said, your husband could be motivated by all sorts of factors, including anger when he claimed he wasn’t in love with you. There’s just no way to know how true his words were at the time. So, while you are waiting for this to sort itself out, it’s so important that you don’t become depressed or stuck. Make sure that you surround yourself with positive people who love you. What you really want is to continue to keep a hopeful and positive outlook while not stopping or halting your life.

Because you want for your husband to see a positive, upbeat woman who is very capable and who is coping. This is going to be better for you and it is going to be much more attractive to your husband. I know that it is so easy to hole up in your room and to get very depressed. But this isn’t going to help your cause. It is going to make you feel worse and it is going to make your husband feel guilty so that he might avoid you. The whole process makes it less likely that your marriage is negatively affected rather than positively influenced.

I know that this advice may appear to be a little simplistic, but it helps to not overreact and to take this one step at a time. So to answer the question posed, coping when your husband claims that he’s no longer in love with you is a multifaceted process. It’s important that you don’t overreact and that you don’t retaliate with words you don’t really mean. Have patience and surround yourself with positive people, thoughts, and things. Remain as upbeat as you possibly can. And, quite frankly, you might find that your husband never meant those words at all (especially if he made these claims in anger.) Or, if he did, he will change his mind once he sees these improvements.

As you may have suspected, there was a time when my husband told me he wasn’t in love with me.  My response was so detrimental and desperate that we eventually separated and almost divorced.  It wasn’t until I completely changed tactics that I began to gain some ground. If it helps, you can read about the emotional turnaround on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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