Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: In some matters, it feels as if it almost pays to be naive or in the dark – at least where your marriage is concerned. Because some knowledge can never be unlearned once you learn it. And when it is something that is very hurtful – like your spouse being unhappy or considering a separation or divorce – it is not something that you can gloss over or not act upon.

Imagine this scenario. You are in the middle of a nasty fight, and not knowing what else to say, you let slip out: “well, if you are that unhappy, you should just leave me then. To which your husband replies: “believe me, I have considered it”

A wife in this situation may have these types of feelings: “I admit that I picked that fight with my husband. But it has changed everything. Lately, we have been picking fights with each other all of the time. I have had to take on more responsibility at work and this stresses me out. I have no choice in it though because I make the most money. However, my husband does nothing to pick up the slack at home. I get home from a long and stressful day and I must make dinner and deal with the kids, even though he has been home for a while and could have easily gotten this started. He complains that I’m always tired and not present and he’s probably right about that.  But the reason for this is that I’m pulled every which way with my job and family obligations. I feel that it is selfish of him to complain about his own needs when I’m juggling so much. When I said he should just leave me if he was unhappy, I was trying to show him how absurd his unhappiness truly was. I never expected him to agree with me. And I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like he was almost hiding the truth from me while he was plotting to make his escape and I am resentful about that.”

A Little Perspective About Statements Made In The Heat Of The Moment: I understand your thinking, but I want for you to consider something. Did you really mean what you said when you told him that he should leave you due to his unhappiness? Of course you didn’t. You said this in the heat of the moment. And, if we are being really honest, you may have secretly hoped that he responded by reassuring you that he did not want to leave.

Likewise, he may have responded that he had considered leaving in the heat of the moment. And he may not really mean it, either. That said, I think that it is always a mistake to ignore warning signs that pop up in your marriage and I learned this the hard way.

Addressing The Key Issues Effectively: You have this knowledge and it’s not realistic to pretend that you don’t. But I think there is a way to address it without panicking. Because panic can lead you to live in a sense of dread and to almost attract that thing that you don’t want. This keeps you from living in the moment and from enjoying the good stuff in life that is right in front of you.

That’s why I think it makes sense to address the tension that has cropped up because of your new work responsibilities. If you can get to a place where your husband is helping to lighten your load instead of adding more stress, then this could actually bring you closer together rather than pulling you apart.

But when you bring this up, you have to do it carefully, so that it doesn’t sound like an accusation or a demand.  I’d suggest that the first course of action might be to clear the air about the argument. You could try: “when I said that you should leave if you are not happy, I absolutely did not mean it. I was just responding to feeling stressed out because of my work situation. I don’t want you to leave. I need our marriage as a source of support more than ever and I don’t mean to take the stress out on my family.”

Pause and let him respond. Hopefully, he will admit that he didn’t mean it when he said he’d thought about leaving, but if he doesn’t, you could try: “I am not sure how serious you were when you said you’d thought about leaving. I hope it’s not true. But if it is, could you share with me what made you feel that way? I’m very committed to not letting our new situation destroy our marriage.”

He may share some things within your marriage that could use improvement. Listen without interrupting and see if you can accomplish what he has asked. While you’re discussing improvements, that would likely be a good time to tell him that you could use some help in the evenings. Perhaps he could start dinner or get the kids started with their homework. That way, when you get home, you can leave your stress at the door and enjoy the time with your family without it feeling like more work. On really stressful days, I make no apologies for ordering out or having very simple meals. Do whatever is necessary in order to make it easier on yourself. I suspect that your husband would support you in this. He likely wants the same thing that you do – to feel like peace and sense of family in his home once again.

Honestly, even when my husband and I were separated, we wanted the same things, but we didn’t know it.  I believe that this is true most of the time.  Everyone wants to feel heard and valued.  This is truly the core of everything.  You can read more about how these truths saved my marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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