Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives strongly suspect that sometime in the near future, their marriage might come to an end.  A small percentage of these wives can pinpoint the exact year that their marriage will end because their husbands have told them when he intends to leave or seek a divorce.  One might explain, “last week, my husband and I got into a huge argument and he told me that he intended to divorce me once the kids graduate from school and are legal adults.  He said he doesn’t want to put the kids through this when they are still young so he is willing to stay married for their sake only.  How am I supposed to live like this?  And what can I do now?”

The wife was reeling.  She didn’t want a divorce.  But, more than that, she didn’t want to live the several years knowing that there was no future for the relationship.  But she knew that her husband’s mind appeared to be made up.  I will share some insights in the following article.

Try Not To Focus On The Divorce Aspect Of This.  Instead, Focus On The Fact That You Have Time To Change Things:  I know from experience that it’s very easy to focus on what you might be losing.  You can’t stop thinking about the fact that your marriage is living on borrowed time.  However, instead, it can be to your benefit to focus on the fact that you have years until he takes any action.  This gives you some time to come up with and carry out a plan that will save your marriage.

Plus, you already know that he is reluctant to divorce anyway.  Yes, this is mostly due to the children.  But not all men honor their commitment to their families when they become unhappy. Some will regret hurting their children, but they will file for divorce anyway.  The wife above did not fit into this category so she did have plenty of time to change things.

Don’t Allow Your Fear Of Losing Him To Sabotage Your Plan To Keep Him:  Many wives in this situation have a tendency to panic because of the feeling that the only thing keeping their husband bound to them is their children.  This is normal and understandable but it can be so detrimental to saving your marriage.  To the extent you can, see this as an opportunity.  Do not look at this as if your back is against the wall.  Look at it as if you have an opportunity to change your marriage into something that you both want.  Sure, it may take time.  Sure, it may not be easy.  But you do know that right now, you have two people who are committed to living together and raising children together.  This means that no one is going anywhere.  And this counts for something and will likely make the reconciliation and rebuilding process a little easier.

Give yourself permission to know that he’s not walking out tomorrow.  You have time, which means that you don’t need to do anything drastic or rash.  Instead, you can take your time and slowly rebuild something that is actually going to last long after your children leave your home.

How To Respond To Set Up The Rebuilding Process:  Many wives have no idea how they are supposed to respond to their husband’s announcement that he’s ending the marriage.  Some want to say something cruel or sarcastic in response, but this will often only make things worse.  Instead, consider remaining calm and saying something like: “well that’s very hurtful.  But I appreciate your commitment to our children because I would never want them to grow up without both of their parents.  And since we are both so committed to them,  I hope we can agree that we want these years of their childhood to contain happy memories of both of their parents.  To that end, I am committed to them seeing nothing but happily married parents.  I don’t want for them to have any idea that we are having issues.  I want for us to model a healthy and happy marriage for them, even if we know that it’s a struggle sometimes.”

This sort of set up is going to do several things for you.  Notice that you are setting a tone of cooperation.  Notice that you have laid the groundwork for the two of you to create a harmonious and healthy marriage to demonstrate for your children.   In that way, your husband isn’t going to think it’s odd when you’re loving and affectionate to him in the days to come or when you begin trying to save your marriage.  He may not even realize what you are doing if you chose to keep this to yourself for now.  And that can be fine, as long as you keep your eye on the goal and do things to improve the dynamics and the relationship between you.  Because if you can successfully do that, the odds are good that by the time your children are adults, that healthy marriage that you’ve been trying to model will exists in reality.

I know many couples that originally stayed married for the sake of their children but who did a lot of work to ensure that they stayed married long behind their children reached adulthood.  My husband and I didn’t have any kids when we separated, but the work we did during that time ensured that we are still married as parents today.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read the details of how we rebuilt our marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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