Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some wives feel as if they are right on the brink of getting their husband to come home. But, he’s giving them some sort of lame reason as to why he’s skeptical or reluctant to do so. Sometimes, their husbands will tell them that they are too guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed to return home. And there are times when they are just fishing with these excuses to see if you will offer them forgiveness, tell them that they don’t have anything to be ashamed of, or beg them to come home anyway.

A wife might explain this frustrating situation this way: “my husband left me and the kids without any warning. He was out of touch and I had no idea where he was or why he left. I was extremely worried and called all his family and friends, but no one would give me any information. About two weeks ago, he called to tell me that he was OK and that he just had some thinking to do on his own. Honestly, I was so relieved that he was safe that I didn’t act all that mad at him. So I guess he thought it was safe to start calling me, which he did. Come to find out, he’s been right down the street at a friend’s house all along. Now that I’ve learned the truth, I am a little angry and I can’t help but show it when we speak. The other day, he told me that he missed me, but then said that he’s too ashamed and embarrassed to come home. He says he will have a hard time looking the kids in the eye. Frankly, I think he has valid reasons to feel guilty and embarrassed. What kind of men just leaves his wife and kids without warning? Still, I want him to come home anyway. It’s bad enough he left. But what would be worse is if he didn’t come back and continued on with his mistake? How do I get him to realize all of this and to go ahead and come home?” I will discuss this more in the following article.

Although He May Be Trying To Get You To Say That He Has Nothing To Be Ashamed Of Or Embarrassed About, Don’t Rush To Offer This Reassurance: Many men will play the “I am so embarrassed and ashamed” card because they are trying to shift the balance of power. They do want to come home. But they also don’t want to have to face you feeling like they are the second class citizen in the marriage, especially for the long term.

And, although you may just want him to come home and worry about who is to blame later, you need to think about whether you are willing to give him a free pass. Because if you just gloss over why he up and left you and your kids without announcement or warning, then what is to say the same issues, resentments, and problems aren’t going to come up again? And when they do, what is to stop him from leaving again?

I truly don’t want to bring you down. I understand that right now you just want to think about getting him home. But I know first hand that having a short-term plan only can sometimes thwart your long-term efforts.  And, I do believe that there are compromises that can both get him home and hold him accountable for his decisions.  If you play it correctly, you can address the issues that lead him to leave in the first place, which leads me to my next point.

How To Address It When Your Husband Is Saying He’s Too Ashamed, Guilty, Or Embarrassed To Come Home: My suggestion would be this. The next time he mentions his guilt, shame, or embarrassment, you might say something like: “I can understand why you might feel that way. Leaving your family without any warning or explanation is not an admirable thing and we will have some rebuilding to do as the result of that. Your behavior was not OK. But it also doesn’t mean that I just want to give up on our marriage. Your leaving doesn’t mean that I don’t still love you and want to be married to you. We can explore what contributed to your leaving and hopefully we can eliminate those things so that we are both happy and fulfilled enough that neither of us needs to leave in the future. This is a very difficult time for our family. But it doesn’t make sense to continue on with the difficulties and the pain when you could come home and we could begin to rehabilitate our marriage and to heal. You’re embarrassed and ashamed and I’m shocked and hurt but if we put our feelings aside and focus on our family and our marriage, I feel like we can move past this. Will you work with me to make that happen?”

Do you see the goal of this conversation? You’re not excusing his behavior. In fact, you are telling him that he has a reason to feel ashamed and embarrassed. However, you are making it clear that you want him to come home anyway because your family and rehabilitation are your focus right now. You are asking for his cooperation, but you are not excusing him so that when he does come home, you don’t have to backtrack or avoid talking about the reasons that he left.

When my husband left me, my only focus was on getting him back home in whatever manner possible.  I didn’t care what I had to do or say to get him home.  But this short-term plan meant that I never addressed what made him leave in the first place and this costs us greatly.   In fact, it almost costs us our marriage.  It wasn’t until I backtracked, started over, and went with a long-term plan that things changed drastically.  If it helps, you can read about how we finally got back together on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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