My Husband Says He Won’t Come Home Because My Family Doesn’t Like Him
By: Leslie Cane: It can be bad enough when your husband has left you and is refusing to come home. It’s worse when the reason that he gives you for this doesn’t completely make sense to you. Or when it sounds like nothing more than an excuse.
A wife might complain about a situation like this one: “my husband and I have been fighting badly over money for the past year. He finally got his advanced degree after us sacrificing for a long time. I was so relieved because I thought that when he finally graduated, he could get a job and it would relieve all kinds of financial stress. Instead, he announced that he wanted to write a book. So he looked for part time jobs that would allow him to do both. He’s had a much harder time than either of us anticipated and money has continued to be tight. My brother very generously offered to let us stay with him. He has a very large house, so it wasn’t that big of a deal. My husband and brother don’t really get along. My brother thinks that my husband doesn’t pull his own weight and of course my husband is defensive. Living with my family created stress on top of what we were already struggling with and eventually, my husband left. At first we didn’t talk at all. It was very embarrassing for me because I felt abandoned. But he’s come around and we now talk every day. He will not come to my brother’s house. So I go to him. We’ve been getting along better so I’ve asked him to come home. He doesn’t want to. His excuse is that my family doesn’t like him and he’s uncomfortable around them. He says that they make him feel like a loser. This hurts. I got a promotion at my job. And it shouldn’t be long before we can get a place of our own. But I am not sure what is going to happen to us between now and then. Is the family thing just an excuse? Does he not want to be with me?”
I really can’t answer that. I don’t know your husband or what his motivations may be. I can tell you that financial difficulties or one spouse losing their job is very common precursor to a separation. I hear from a lot of folks whose marriage has been put at risk because of this. Often, the person who lost their job feels incredibly badly about themselves and may even struggle with depression. Sometimes, when the person gets a new job, the issues go away and sometimes they don’t because it wasn’t just the job loss which was the sole problem.
I have no way of knowing whether this was the case. I don’t have to tell you that if your husband was truly motivated to reconcile, I’m not sure that your family could keep him from you. He’d likely be willing to pay this small price to be with you. It’s possible that he is feeling better about things, but is still unsure if your marriage (or his self confidence) is so stable that it’s time to move back in.
That’s why I wouldn’t rush this. You said that you’ve been making some progress, so why not just continue on as you are for a little while longer? It’s a risk to bring back your spouse too soon anyway. Because when reconciliations fail and your spouse leaves again, it’s very hard to get them to come back twice.
I don’t see any harm in continuing to reconnect and to rebuild without the stress of your family issue on top of everything else. Perhaps in the meantime you can save your money because whatever happens with your marriage, it’s likely to be your income which is the primary source of the family income for a little while.
Once he finds a job, things should get better, but I would urge you to look at the entire picture. Ask yourself if there are any underlying issues that also need to be addressed. As much as I know you want him back as soon as possible, you have to remember the real goal. And the real goal is to have a happy marriage for the duration. And to know that the next time stress crops us, he won’t just take off again.
In order to do that, you have to identify what’s really wrong and then fix it. Right now, you’re in a good position because you are regularly communicating and making progress. You don’t have to worry about where you’re going to live because of your brother. So you have the luxury of being able to save and wait. You have the luxury of making sure that it’s really right before you move forward.
I would continue on with the progress and remove some of the pressure. Once your relationship is on stronger footing and he is feeling more confident about himself and his contributions, then you can address the issue of where you are going to live. But in order to give yourself the best chance, I’d do some more rebuilding first. The end goal is always to give yourself the best chance to be happy with a lasting reconciliation.
I too wanted my husband to move back in the moment we started to connect again. But I’d seen too many reconciliations fail, so I forced myself to move at a slower pace and this paid off. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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