My Husband Says He Wants To Leave For A Week. What Should I Do?
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are dealing with a husband who has left without much warning. However, some wives had a great deal of warning, but the wives don’t feel very reassured about this. Some husbands will not only tell their wives that they intend to leave but will also outline how long they plan to be gone. I heard from a wife whose husband was very forthcoming about the fact that he wanted to leave for a week to clear his head and reflect on what he wanted to happen with their marriage.
She said, in part: “last night my husband told me that he intended to leave me for a week. He said he hasn’t been happy with our marriage or with his life. He thinks that he is going to remedy this by leaving me for a week. He says that when he comes back, he will have made a decision about what he wants to do with his life and our marriage. Needless to say, I am against this. Because part of me worries that he won’t come back or that, when he does, he’ll announce that he’s found an apartment or an attorney that is going to help him divorce me. I have been honest with him about my feelings but he doesn’t seem to care that this isn’t what I want. He told me that he is going to leave whether I like it or not. He keeps saying that he “needs to do this.” What am I supposed to make of this? Am I just supposed to let him leave me for a week without complaint? Does this mean my marriage is over?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.
It Can Be A Good Sign That Your Husband Isn’t Leaving The Separation Open Ended: I know that you likely feel like you are dealing with a very bad situation. But let me attempt to put this in perspective for you. I so often hear from wives who come home to find a husband who has packed up and left without any warning. Sometimes there’s a note or forwarding address and phone number. And sometimes there is not. Many husbands won’t even take their wife’s calls during a separation. So the fact that you have a husband who is not only telling you about this ahead of time but also is committing to a very short amount of time to be away can be a very good sign.
Having a set amount of time for the beginning and the end of the separation can be much better than leaving things open-ended. Not setting boundaries can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and a separation that lasts for much longer than is desirable or was originally planned. So as painful as it can be to know that he might be away for a week, a short 7 days are much better than not knowing when, or if, he’s going to come home. And frankly, sometimes how you react to this can greatly influence the outcome. Try very hard to remain calm and positive. If you expect the worst, you will sometimes get it.
Offer An Alternative, But Don’t Push So Hard That You About Inflexible: I completely understand being very reluctant to allow your husband to walk out of your front door. When my husband and I separated (even when it was supposed to be for a brief period of time,) I was terrified that this would end our marriage. And frankly, it almost did. So often, your reluctance to agree to the separation is quite valid. With that said, if you react very negatively and refuse to allow the separation, many husbands won’t give you a choice and will leave angry. This is not the way you want to set it up when your husband leaves. You want him to be unsure of his decision and you want him to be somewhat sad and unsure about leaving so that when he thinks of you, he will have positive thoughts and he will miss you.
Having said that, I don’t see anything wrong with offering to be the one to leave. That way, you can control the terms and time period of your returning. You don’t have to worry about if and when he will return because he has never left. This can help to ease your mind somewhat, but not all husbands will agree to this. If he doesn’t agree, don’t lose your cool or push too hard. Remember to remain positive. If it is clear that he is going to leave, try to agree on some terms, like how often will you communicate? Will you call or see one another regularly? This may seem silly, but people often become suspicious or upset if they find that communication is cut off. If you agree before he leaves, you can avoid this.
What Am I Supposed To Do If He Actually Does Leave? I know that you might have a difficult week ahead. But do everything in your power to stay in control. Don’t dwell on panic or fear. Keep busy and make sure you appear very upbeat and approachable when you interact with your husband. If you are angry, resentful, or afraid, journal or talk to a trusted friend to release those feelings, but don’t allow your husband to see only negativity. Because if you do, he might be less likely to be in any hurry to come home. The whole idea is that you both miss one another, that you are both able to put your marriage in perspective and that, at the end of the week, he will come home willing to recommit to you and to the marriage.
I know that a week apart may sound just awful to you. But, honestly, a week would have sounded like paradise to me when my husband and I were separated. And, if you handle this correctly, you may well find that your marriage actually improves because of the time and space apart. Unfortunately, I didn’t handle my separation correctly at first and I had a lot of ground to make up before I could save my marriage. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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