Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  The word “separation” is not one that many wives are longing to hear.  In fact, it ranks right up there with the words “divorce,” and “sexually transmitted diseases” as words that you never want to hear in the same sentence with your marriage.

Sometimes though, you can not avoid a separation because you’re not the one wanting it and you can’t exactly refuse if your spouse is determined to move out and pursue one.  Plus, when the alternative is a separation or a divorce, most people with any common sense at all are going to take the separation every single time – at least if their marriage is still important to them.

But that doesn’t mean that we’re going to take the separation with much enthusiasm.  And we’re going to want to know just how much we have to endure it.  We’ll often ask our husband for information as to just how long this is going to take.  And even when he tries to provide it, we either don’t believe what he says or we try to find a way to make that period of time shorter because if we had our way about things, we wouldn’t have a separation at all.

A wife might say: “I suppose as far as separations go, I should consider myself lucky. My husband is determined to have one, but he is calling it a ‘short separation.’  He insists that he just needs a break, but he is reassuring me that, as of right now, he has no plans for a divorce.  I asked him how he defines ‘short’ and he said that he didn’t know. I asked him if we were talking about days or weeks and again he insisted that he did not know.  I felt this all was kind of suspicious and I asked if there was someone else and if this ‘short separation’ business was because he wanted a free pass to spend time with another woman.  He insists that I am wrong about this and that there is no one else.  He says that he just needs time and that there is nothing to worry about.  But, I am worried.  My fear is that a ‘short separation’ might be weeks that turns into months.  Or that doesn’t end at all.  And I feel like maybe he’s just saying ‘short’ because he knows that if I know the truth, I’m going to get very upset.”

Understand The Advantage That You Have And The Reality That You Could Be Facing Instead: These are all valid concerns. I don’t know any wife who gets all excited about a separation when she doesn’t want one. A husband can package it in any way that he likes.  He can call it ‘short.’  He can assure you that it’s ultimately going to help your marriage or make you both happier in the end.  But all you are able to focus on is the fact that he wants to be away from you and that he is distancing himself from your marriage.

Still, having him agree to try to limit the time period is MUCH better than dealing with a husband who is telling you that he doesn’t know when, or if, the separation will end.  Having a separation that drags on forever is absolutely no fun.  I know that because that was my experience.  Fortunately though, I did luck on some strategies that worked.

However, the length of my separation was probably as much as my fault as it was my husband’s.  I react very badly and I probably did most of the things that you aren’t supposed to do.  I clung to my husband, played mind games, tried to lay on the guilt to invoke his pity and basically presented myself as weak and needy, which is anything but attractive.

Don’t Focus On Time As Much As On Progress: I know that your focus is probably on TIME.  But in my experience, that is not the best place to focus.  Instead of constantly asking your husband “how much longer?” Or “when are you coming back,”  I’d strongly suggest putting your focus on fixing whatever is wrong.  I’d want to work on making my husband miss me and allowing him to see that whatever the problem is, being apart isn’t fixing it.  But standing together and getting to work is more likely to fix things and is more likely to make both of you more happy.

It’s my experience that a separated husband is MUCH more likely to respond to a wife who is flirting with him and being playful than one who is nagging him about exactly when he’s going to end this nonsense and get himself home.

I know that it’s human nature to want to end anything unpleasant immediately.  But you have to be willing to be deliberate in your strategy and to step back and ask yourself what your husband is most likely to respond to.  Yes, it would be easy (and understandable) to just start demanding more information as to when the separation will end.

But when you do this, you’re almost missing the point.  Because what you are not focused on is making your husband WANT it to end.  Because when he’s not getting a payoff from the separation and when he realizes that he gets more of a payoff at home, then he’s going to want it to end as soon as possible without your needing to nag him.

But when all you’re doing is asking him when he’s coming home without giving him an incentive to want to, then he’s more likely to resist you and to stay away longer.  I learned this lesson the hard way. If you’re going to play the game, at least play it to win.  Not just to shorten it.  Here’s an explanation of how the light bulb eventually went off in my head and I learned how to play to win.

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