Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some wives are dealing with husbands who are giving several mixed signals about wanting a separation. On the one hand, they are telling their wives that they think a separation is best. But on the other hand, they will be somewhat affectionate or will make comments like they will miss their wife or don’t want to give her up.

One of these wives may say, in part: “my husband told me three weeks ago that he thinks we should get a separation. During that time, he has been looking at apartments and last week, he told me that he found one. He was packing last night and he said ‘I know the separation is the right thing, but I don’t want to give you up. And I have no idea how I’m supposed to let you go. This really is so hard.’  When my husband says things like this, I get so frustrated because frankly, this is really hard for me, especially when he makes comments like that. I mean, when you separate, aren’t you letting the person go in a sense? And if he doesn’t want to let me go, then why is he pushing a separation? When I ask him these questions, he tells me that it is complicated and that, although he is conflicted, he feels that we need to pursue a separation. I just don’t know what to make of this. Why does he say things like this that contradict each other which hurt me and leave me confused? Is he trying to let me down easy or does he enjoy hurting me?”

I doubt that the husband was saying these things to hurt his wife. Many husbands are quite conflicted about a separation. This can especially be true when he sees how much the same is hurting his wife. And, just like you, it can be hard for him to turn off his feelings. A separation doesn’t mean that he no longer loves you or that he doesn’t wish that things were different. In the following article, I will tell you what it can mean when your husband says contradictory things at the beginning of a separation.

He’s Likely Being Honest When He Says He Doesn’t Want To Let You Go. He Often Wishes That There Was Another Way To Solve Things: Many wives think that their husbands say contradictory things because they are trying to let them down easy. The wives often think that the husbands don’t mean the things that would indicate that the feelings are still there. This often isn’t the case. The feelings don’t just disappear when the marriage is in trouble. While negative feelings sometimes compete with or counteract with the positive ones, the positive feelings are often still there, and this can make the separation that much more difficult.

Men will often utter comments like: “it’s very difficult because I do love my wife and I wish our marriage was different, but it’s not. I don’t know how else to sort this out. I still love her and I don’t want to let her or our marriage go, but we have serious problems that we need to overcome.”

Another common comment is something like “believe me if loving each other was enough, then my wife and I would be OK. This is not about not loving each other because we do. The love is there, but the ability to have a healthy and fulfilling marriage is not. If I could miraculously make our marriage work tomorrow, I would, but I can’t seem to make it so.”

Hopefully, you can see the theme here. The husbands often still have loving feelings toward their wives, but they don’t know how to fix things so that the marriage works for both of them. Hopefully, it’s now obvious that since the feelings are there, fixing the issues might just also fix the marriage.

Try To Focus On The Issues Instead Of The Feelings: If your husband is saying things like he doesn’t want to let you go or is giving you phrases that indicate that he still has loving feelings for you, then in my opinion you should trust that this is true unless he is giving you a reason to believe that he is trying to deceive you. Instead, of continuing to ask him (or yourself) why he’s talking about these feelings, ask yourself what is keeping the feelings from being enough.

Because generally speaking, there is something that is keeping the feelings from being sufficient for him to stay home and not push for the separation. Only you know what the issue might be. But some examples are things like: a conflict that just keeps cropping up; “growing apart; a lack of intimacy; misunderstandings; communication issues; sexual issues; money issues; and the list goes on and on. But often, you both know what the central issues are that need to be worked through. And the good news is that since the feelings are still there, if you are successful in addressing the issues, then the feelings might once again take the center stage followed by the commitment to your marriage so that the separation won’t be necessary or can come to an end.

And often, once you are able to work through the conflict, the feelings that were there become stronger because you have weathered the storm together and you have come out united as a result. So to answer the question posed, your husband’s conflicting stance about your separation and his feelings for you can actually be good news because it means that the feelings are still there and now you need to work on the conflict. Many people think that they are separating because the feelings are gone. It is harder to work through the conflict while trying to return the feelings than vice verse.  So in that way, you are actually fortunate. Try to focus on that positive turn of events and not be driven by fear and doubt. Your real goal should be not to determine if and why he’s being truthful, but to solve the conflict to get him home or to not want the separation at all.

When my husband and I were separated, I would always doubt him when he would say something positive.  This caused a lot more conflict. It wasn’t until I just started trusting in his feelings and eventually having confidence that we could work things out that things changed.  Confidence can make all of the difference.  If it helps, you can read about how this played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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