My Husband Says He Still Loves Me, But Wish That He Didn’t. What Does This Mean?
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are very confused about what their husband is saying in regards to his love for them. Often, the marriage has been struggling and the husband has become a bit distant. So the wife asks if he still loves her, expecting to get a sweet response or some reassurance. Instead, she can get a response that is truly baffling.
She might explain: “my husband and I have been fighting really badly for the past six months. His mom has been sick and staying with us and that has caused a good deal of stress. He leaves me to take care of her and although I try not to mind, I feel like he’s a bit selfish to put this all on me. So, we have been saying mean, sarcastic things to one another and we rarely have sex or physical contact. The other day, we were arguing and I said something like: ‘I don’t know why you’re so upset. You don’t even care about me anymore anyway. You don’t even love me anymore.’ And he quickly replied ‘I do still love you, but I wish I didn’t.’ This shocked me on a couple of levels. First, I was shocked that he insisted that he still loves me. But I don’t get why he would say that he wishes he didn’t. What does this mean?”
While I didn’t know the particular husband in this situation and I couldn’t read his mind, I do get a sense of why a man might say this. I will share some of those insights with you below.
As Weird As His Assertion May Be, It’s Reassuring That He Was Quick To Say That He Still Loves You: I understand why this wife was so confused and frustrated by the situation. But, I can’t tell you how many husbands would have taken the opportunity to deny that they loved their wife, especially in times of high stress. So, the fact that he almost immediately reassured her that he actually did still love her was a very good sign. Of course, the wife felt that this was negated by his saying that he wished he didn’t. And yes, that’s a pretty nasty thing to say. But, in his own mind, he might have valid reasons, which I will discuss now.
He May Feel As If He Would Be Less Conflicted Emotionally If He Didn’t Still Love You: People often assume that when a marriage is struggling, a man really isn’t that negatively affected emotionally, especially when compared to a woman. This isn’t always the case. Sometimes, men feel a great deal of loss and stress when their marriage is struggling. Add this to the stress that this husband was already feeling because of his mother and his statement is a little more understandable. Also, remember that he made this statement in the heat of the moment when he was likely angry and frustrated. But what he likely meant was it would be easier for him emotionally if he no longer loved his wife because if he didn’t, the marriage’s struggles wouldn’t bother him so much. And, if he didn’t love his wife, he could just end this sadness, turmoil, and stress by walking out on her. But, because he still loved her, he couldn’t do that so easily.
Allowing His Careless Comment To Turn A Negative Into A Positive: Make no mistake about it. This wife was hurt. And she was angry. She was stressed out about his mother and she was saddened by what was happening to her marriage. But, nothing said that she couldn’t regain control of the situation. As I saw it, she had two choices. She could do nothing and allow the marriage to continue to buckle under the stress. Or, she could be happy that, although her husband had made a snide commit, he did affirm his love for her and she could vow to get her marriage back on track and to try to save it. Because deep down, she still loved her husband. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t be as upset as she was by his comment. Yes, it hurt. Yes, it was unfortunate that his mother’s illness caused stress. But your marriage is meant to help to isolate you from life’s stressors and to be your safe haven. With a little work and some determination, they could get that back.
So to answer the question posed, a man can mean any number of things when he says he loves you but wishes he didn’t. However, if you want to save your marriage, I feel it’s best to place your focus on the fact that he still loves you and then try to eliminate the reasons that, for right now only, he wishes that he didn’t.
I wish that I’d understood these principles when my husband and I were having problems. Things escalated to the point where not only did he doubt his love for me, but he moved out. It wasn’t until I understood the male psychology that I was able to turn things around. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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