My Husband Says He Needs To Know And Believe That I Actually Want Our Marriage
By: Leslie Cane: The threat of a separation is very difficult, no matter who initiated it. But when your spouse is using your own words and wishes against you, then you can feel incredibly misunderstood. This is especially true if you were only trying to make your marriage better and your husband misunderstood this and is now pushing for a separation because he thinks that is what you want.
Someone might explain: “about three months ago, I was pretty unhappy in my marriage. My husband and I were in different places in our lives. I went a high school reunion alone because my husband had to work. While there, I admit that I saw some marriages that made me envious. I saw couples who clearly had made each other a priority. And when I compared my own marriage, it came up way short. So I came home and I hinted around about what I was feeling. I didn’t come right out and tell my husband that I was miserable and dissatisfied, I just told him that I saw some things in some of my former classmates’ marriages that I wanted in my own marriage. I told him that their relationships seemed fresh while ours was stale. He pointed out to me that many of them are on their second marriages, so it is not far to compare the two. And he said he felt as if I were criticizing him. This wasn’t my intention, but I did want some change. We went through a difficult few months after this. And at the end of it, my husband told me that he had been thinking about it and he felt that I was right. Things weren’t great and he didn’t want to push himself on me when I was so unhappy. So he moved out. This is not what I wanted and I’ve told him that. Last night, I commented that I did not know how we got to this place. I was just looking for positive change and now I’m separated. My husband said he would not even consider a reconciliation until he believes that I really want my marriage. This is precisely what I want and I have told him so. But he does not seem to believe anything that I say now. He says it’s clear that I think our marriage isn’t good enough so he’s just trying to give me what I want. This feels like a retaliation to me. And I don’t know how to convince him to that I DO want our marriage. But I do resent being put in this situation.”
His Actions Are the Result Of Him Wanting Reassurance: It’s not uncommon for a spouse to try and turn the tables on you in this way. He feels rejected because he thinks that you are not happy in your marriage. He feels criticized because he fears that you see your classmate’s husbands as somehow better than him. Understandably, he doesn’t like feeling this way. So he tries to turn the tables, so to speak. He makes you feel rejected instead so you’ll be in a position where you have to reassure him.
Having A Plan So That He Knows You Are Serious And Sincere: By no means am I defending him, but I understand the motivations behind his stance. I know that this is frustrating, but I think that there is a way for both of you to get what you want. You could reassure him that you want the marriage so much, that you’re willing to do counseling or at least some sort of self help program to get it back on track.
You might try something like: “I hope that you know that I truly and sincerely want our marriage. I didn’t tell you that I wanted change to be critical. I told you this because I felt that we both deserved to be as happy as possible. I want to take care of our marriage so that it lasts. I don’t want one of the second marriages. I want a first marriage that is fabulous. Frankly, it’s that important to me. I should have been more careful with my words because obviously, my intention was not completely understood. It’s not that I didn’t want our marriage. It’s that I didn’t want to let our marriage deteriorate. I love you. If I didn’t think that I could be happy with you or our marriage, I would not have said anything. Please understand what I am really saying. I’d love to go to counseling or use some methods I’ve read about to help us so that there is no doubt whatsoever that we are both committed to this marriage. Believe me when I say it was never my intention for us to be in this separated situation. I spoke out because I wanted to make things better, not worse.”
At that point, you can wait for him to respond. He may want to believe you, but still have doubts. You might treat him with a little more affection in the coming days and you might also show him that you are willing to make positive change first – and before you even ask him to do so. Because someone who didn’t truly want their marriage wouldn’t be so motivated to do this.
Hopefully, this effort will help you to overcome his insecurities or doubts. Make no mistake. He wants reassurance right now because he felt rejected when you talked about how great you thought other people’s marriages were. Deep down, he wishes you felt that way about your own marriage. So now it’s time to set it up where he sees that you can and do.
I know first hand that it may be tempting to overreact and pull away because he is being so petty. This would not solve anything, though. I let my emotions get the best of me when my husband was unhappy and this lead to a separation. It would have been so much easier if I had handled the issue BEFORE it got out of hand and we separated. We did reconcile. But it was hard. It’s better to handle something as soon as it comes up. There’s more about this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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