Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It is not all that unusual for us to marry someone who has personality traits quite different from our own. I honestly think that this is our way of experiencing things vicariously through our spouse. It’s very common for introverts to marry extroverts – knowing that being drawn out of our shell is refreshing and healthy every once in a while. And sometimes, we are attracted to those personality traits that we wish that we ourselves possessed. Sometimes, this works very well. Other times, it creates conflict because it means that we constantly are faced with what (and who) we are not.

An example is an introvert being married to an extravert and not being able to find middle ground. Someone might explain: “I knew that my husband was quiet and shy when I married him. My family is very loud. So I found him very refreshing. I am also loud and outgoing. I was a cheerleader in high school. I have lots of friends and I love socializing and having a houseful of people. My husband hates this. Early in our marriage, he used to tolerate it. But lately, he has started telling me that he needs more solitude and he’s become more and more isolated. The other day, I told him that I was losing patience with this. His response was that he ‘craves solitude sometimes.’ I think it goes beyond this. My husband is a loner. He talks to his family and two very close friends and me. Beyond that, he does not seem to need much interaction. It drives me crazy. And it worries me. Because I am starting to think that we are not compatible at all and that because of this, our marriage is doomed since we will not enjoy spending time together. I am starting to think that the marriage is going to be uncomfortable to both of us.”

I don’t want to sound like I’m defending your husband. But I identify with your situation a lot. I am extremely introverted. And my husband craves being around others and having lots of family and friends around. This was not horrible in the beginning. I remember that when we first got married, people would literally come to our house on the weekends and stay for days. My husband is from another state so friends would vacation at our home all of the time. When we were newlyweds, this seemed exciting. But after a while, I got to a point where I wanted to be alone at least some of the time on weekends. I see it as a time to recharge and be quiet. And my husband sees it as a time to connect and have fun. This did create problems as my husband felt that I was distancing him from people he cared about and I was being anti-social and rude.

I know that I can come off this way sometimes. But I don’t mean to. Just to give you an idea of how your husband might feel, being around a lot of people feels, at least to me, like it requires a lot of uncomfortable effort. I am sure it is no coincidence that my favorite hobbies are yarn work and reading and that I work in solitude. But even though I work at home with no one here but my dogs, I still crave more quiet sometimes. On weekends, I love to let my brain relax by leaving the TV off. This drives my husband crazy.

So we compromise. He watches TV with his friends and I go in another part of the house, in the quiet, and read a book. We used to question not being together, but now we realize that it just works for us. We are careful to carve our regular alone time to be together.  (And of course I interact with family and friends regularly.) This is vital. Intimacy between the two of us is important.  We learned this the hard way.  And we allowed ourselves to drift apart.  We eventually separated.  So today, we actually schedule alone time because we know how important it is. As an introvert, I’m well aware that I need that intimacy. But like your husband, I crave it with only a select few. And those select people are very important to me.

As far as weekend company, we compromise on that too. I know that there are some family members and friends who are extremely important to my husband. Having an open house policy is part of his culture and so I make this work even when a houseful of people feels like an effort to me. But, to compromise, this is not going to be every single weekend. It’s going to planned in advance. That way, every one is happy.

Honestly, I love that my husband can be the life of the party. And I realize that I can come across as moody and isolated. But I can not change this. Introversion is something you are born with – like eye color and skin tone. You can not help it or change it. And it is the way that it is. Having your spouse criticize or complain about it hurts because it feels like a rejection. It feels like they do not like who you are.

So I have learned that it’s very important to negotiate without sounding critical or without sounding like you are trying to change your spouse. You can negotiate without making it sound as if your personality traits are better than his. Opposites can and do have good marriages. But you have to learn to compromise. And you have to learn to let the negotiations pull you together instead of driving you apart. Differences are what make the world go around. And goodness knows, my household would be boring if both of us were like me. And it would be too loud if both of us were like my husband. Between the two of us, it is just right.

I think it is important that you address compromise now rather than getting more and more frustrated.  I let our differences deteriorate our marriage early on, and I came to deeply regret it. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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