My Husband Says He Just Wants To Be Friends During Our Trial Separation
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are saddened by the boundaries that their husband is trying to set in anticipation of a trial separation. Often, the wife is hoping that the separation will actually improve the marriage so that a reconciliation is eventually possible. But the husband can be very obviously trying to distance himself from the wife. Often, one strategy that he will take to facilitate this is to tell the wife that he wants to only be “friends” while they are apart.
Common comments are things like: “for the past several months, my husband has been asking for a separation. I tried my best to delay and stall him. I figured he was just under stress and would eventually realize that he was being selfish. Over time though, it became clear that he wasn’t going to give this up. A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I was tired of hearing this so I finally conceded to a separation. When my husband and I were talking about how the separation would go, he blurted out that he only wanted for us to be friends during the separation. I asked him what in the world he meant by this and he said that he isn’t going to relate to me as my spouse. He is going to relate to me as a friend and he doesn’t want for me to try to make demands of him. He doesn’t plan to date me or have sex with me during the separation. Instead, he wants for me to back away and leave him alone for a while. I am stunned and upset about this. To me, ‘just be friends’ almost means that he wants to act as if he is single. And if that is the case, then why not just get a divorce? Why would he be doing this? I have plenty of friends. I don’t want to be his friend. I want to be his spouse.”
This was a very sensitive situation. I agreed with this wife. When you are separated, you are still married. You are not friends. Yes, admittedly, much of the time, the goal is to give one another space and distance. But there is a difference between taking some space and having a platonic relationship or pretending that you are not married. With that said, it was clear that the wife had to tread very carefully here. If she had a very strong reaction and demanded that her husband act in a certain way, it was possible that he would retreat even more or decide that perhaps he should go ahead and get a divorce.
Below, I will tell you what I believe is the best, and most safe, way to handle this.
Coming Up With A Suitable Response: I think that it’s best to accept that you have to take this one step at a time and to remain calm. You don’t want to blow up or alienate your husband. You don’t want to set it up so that he feels that he has to avoid you because of this unresolved conflict. That’s why it’s so important to have a frank and calm discussion about this with the goal of hopefully coming up with a compromise that you can both live with.
I would suggest something like this: “I have to admit that I was totally unprepared for what I just heard you say. This was not the way that I envisioned the separation. To me, a separation is a time when both people take a little time and space to collect their thoughts and work on themselves. The idea is that the end goal is to come back together with new perspectives and improvements to our marriage. I’m not sure that our living as only friends during the separation is going to help us to reach that goal. When you say ‘just friends,’ what exactly do you mean by that? Do you mean that you want to see other people or live as a single person? Because I’m not going to be OK with that. To me, a separation is a time when you are very clearly still married. And being friends is not the same thing as being married. If you’re asking for me to give you some space and to not make marital demands of you while we are separated, then I am more than willing to discuss this more so that we can come up with a plan that we are both comfortable with. But I plan to consider myself married but separated. I am still hoping to work this out. Can we work together to make that happen?”
I can’t promise you that this conversation is going to make him immediately back off of his “just friends” stance, but at least it will hopefully open the door toward more communication and compromise. And it will have let him know that his proposal isn’t acceptable to you. I believe that it’s important to give the requested space during a separation. I was unwilling to do this at first and it almost costs me my marriage. But at the same time, I agree with the wife that the only time your spouse should classify you as a friend is if you are divorced.
As might already be obvious, my husband wanted his space during our separation and I was very resistant to this. As a result, he pulled even further away until I realized that I had to try something new. So I understand that there is often a tightrope that you will have to walk while separated. But I think that living only as friends is almost crossing a line. If it helps, you read about our separation process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
