Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When your husband tells you that he wants a divorce, it doesn’t really matter if you expected it or not. Many people find that little is as awful as hearing those words. You may have braced yourself for it. You may have expected or dreaded it. But when those words actually come, they can feel like a knife going through your heart. And even if you thought that you were prepared and would be calm, for many of us, we are anything but. I can remember my heart racing so fast when my husband discussed moving out that I worried for my health.

And I know that I’m not alone. You might hear a comment like: “I can’t say that I am completely surprised by this. I knew that we were having problems and we had even talked about separating. So I knew that my husband was not going to sit idly by and stay in an unhappy marriage. But I certainly didn’t anticipate that he would skip the separation and go straight for a divorce. Last night, we were watching TV and he said that he had to tell me something that he knew was going to upset me very much. I should have known then, but I didn’t. Because when he told me that he was filing for divorce next week, I was absolutely shocked. And I felt myself almost go numb and then I felt intense pain. For a while, I walked around sort of wandering and lost. I really think that I couldn’t completely process it due to the shock. And then I started to panic. I have been married for so long that it is really hard for me to fathom being alone. Plus this is going to feel like such a failure. Our families will be so disappointed. I don’t want this reality, but my husband does not seem to want to budge. I know that I shouldn’t panic, but I can not help it. Divorce is the absolutely worst possibility for me and now I am staring it right in the face. How do I get ahold of myself?”

Understand Your Time Frame And Don’t Underestimate The Destruction That Panic Can Cause: I know how that feeling of panic is almost suffocating. However, I probably don’t have to tell you that things can change. Not everyone who thinks that they are going to get a divorce actually gets one. And the divorce process takes quite a while, giving you time to try different methods to make things a little better.

I understand that this reality is a very harsh and heartbreaking one. But it’s very important to realize that panic doesn’t help you. Panic will not make you seem more attractive or alluring. It will not make the divorce seem like the worse option. In fact, it can push your husband toward the divorce even more. Plus, when you panic, you sometimes make the worst possible decisions. Your behaviors and actions are based on fear rather than on your authentic self or what is in your own best interest.

My panicked self is not someone that I want to display to the world, much less to my husband. But that is precisely who I showed him. And this dug a much deeper hole for me and ultimately made a divorce more likely. It took me far too long to figure out that AN ACTUAL plan was more much helpful to me than my panic.

Having A Plan While Controlling What You Can: Understand that you can not control what your husband decides or does. You can’t physically stop him from trying to divorce you (although your lawyer might have some legal insight, but that’s a completely different topic and this article is most definitely not about divorce law.) You can certainly try to set up the circumstances that would be most favorable to him changing his mind.

And you can take care of yourself. What I mean by that is that you can surround yourself with loving, caring people. And you can consult specialists who might make this situation better. Only you can decide if you want or need to consult an attorney. It may be beneficial to see a counselor just to support yourself. This may end up helping your marriage, but that should not be the primary goal. It should be all about setting yourself up for every eventuality, since you can’t possibly know for the future.

It certainly never hurts to be prepared and you don’t want to just ignore reality. I totally advocate getting professional opinions so that you know what you are dealing with. At the same time, I don’t think you have to throw in the towel and just assume that you will end up divorced. Sometimes, when spouses see all of the hard work that you are doing, they become more open. I can’t guarantee this, but I know it to be possible from my own experience.  Some husbands change their mind when they miss their wives.

So please don’t panic. The future will come, but you don’t know what it will bring. You can only try to put the most positive spin on it that you can while preparing for all variables. At the same time, you can show your husband the best version of yourself. I know the challenge that this is. But at the end of the day, the person you show him is the person he will base any decision about divorce upon.  Do you want that person to be panicked and struggling? Or do you want that person to be capable and coping?

I will admit that there were times when I could only fake it til I made it. But that was better than openly panicking. And often, when you fake it long enough, the fake becomes real.  You find that you actually are feeling better and your husband can’t help but notice.  Yes, I was petrified I would end up divorced once my husband moved out.  But I didn’t because I eventually got a plan.  You can read more  on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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