My Husband Says He Hopes That His Moving Out And Having Time Away Will Help Us. Will It?
By: Leslie Cane: Many antsy husbands will accept nothing less than moving out of the house in order to have some “space” or some time away. Often, the husband will try to present this as a marriage-saving measure or as something that will actually help the marriage. The wives can have their doubts about this, but they often feel as if they don’t have much choice but to go along and hope for the best.
One of these wives might say: “my husband told me a few weeks ago that he intends to move out. We have not been getting along with one another for months. We have actually tried different things in an attempt to improve our marriage but, in the end, we just end up fighting or feeling frustrated. It just seems as if things deteriorate more and more no matter what we do. He seems to assume the worst from me and then, when he’s distant or sullen, I expect the worst from him. So now his theory is that if he moves us and gives us both some time to cool off that this is going to help us and our marriage. Is he right? Will this help us? Or will his moving out just lead to us eventually getting a divorce?” I’ll tell you my take on this in the following article.
Giving One Another Time Can Help Your Marriage, But This Situation Needs To Be Managed Correctly In Order For That To Happen: When the space strategy is done correctly, it actually can help you save your marriage. The reason for this is that the time away can lessen the tension, make things more clear, and allow you to both to calm down and decide what is truly important to you. Generally speaking, space allows both spouses to miss one another and this will often make them more willing to compromise and to solve their problems once and for all, since they don’t want to be apart again.
However, in order to get the benefits of the time apart, it has to be done correctly. It helps greatly to agree before someone moves out that you will speak and see one another regularly. If you can set a schedule before hand, that’s even better. It also helps if both people vow to not see other people. Because where the time apart usually goes wrong is when one or both spouses worry about what the other is doing during his or her time away. The ensuring fear and insecurity can cause both people to lash out or to become even more rigid. Make sure that the lines of communication are open and that there is a spirit of cooperation. Because if there isn’t, things can actually deteriorate and get worse instead of better.
Know That You Can Have The “Break” Without Someone Needing To Move Out: I’d like to make another point. If your husband has any flexibility, you might want to suggest alternatives to his moving out. One of you can stay with friends or family. You can live in separate bedrooms for a while. Or, one of you can temporarily stay at a hotel. These situations are in my opinion better than moving out because it’s not as dramatic or permanent. It’s easier for him to come back home if no one ever moved out in the first place. Of course, in order for this to work, you have to be very committed to actually giving him that time away or that space. If he feels that you aren’t, then he might move out and stay away even longer.
With all of this said, some men aren’t willing to accept this compromise. They want to move out and will accept nothing less. If this is the situation that you are finding yourself in, then at least try to get him to commit to a schedule where you can regularly check in, speak, and see one another. And, as much as you want regular communication, you do want to back off some during the other times when you aren’t scheduled to communicate. Giving him time away means just that. I know that this is difficult and scary. But I can also tell you from experience that men who feel that they need time and aren’t given that time will often distance themselves even more or will often pull away even more dramatically.
So it’s important that you strike the balance between giving him some time but keeping him close enough that you interact regularly so that you begin to rebuild. But to answer the question posed, yes, the time away can most definitely work for you. It can and does help many couples. But it has to be done carefully and correctly because if it’s not, this can sometimes bring out the fear and anxiety in one or both spouses and as a result, the marriage gets worse rather than better.
In fact, this was initially the case with me. When my husband wanted a separation and moved out, I became so afraid and clingy that I reacted quite badly. As a result, my husband started to avoid me and this hurt our marriage that much more. It wasn’t until I changed tactics and my attitude that things dramatically pursued. In fact, this worked so well, he eventually pursued me. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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