Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you are a wife, hearing your husband confess that he is unhappy can be extremely hurtful. But hearing him say that he has not been happy in your marriage for years is potentially devastating. And this proclamation can make you wonder if he was pretending for parts of your marriage.  How can you be relatively content while he’s telling you that he is miserable?

A wife might explain, “I wish I could claim that a fight or misunderstanding caused my husband to confide that he is unhappy. Unfortunately, it was neither. We were just talking about our lives and where we want to be in five years. My husband confessed that he just wants to be happy. So of course I asked him if to clarify, and he responded that he ‘hasn’t been happy in years.’ I asked him if his unhappiness included our marriage and it was like a dam burst when he started listing all the ways that he was unhappy with our marriage. He capped it off by saying, ‘I think I need some space or a break. I’m not getting any younger and life is too short to walk through life unhappy like this.’ It’s almost as if he’s nearly talked himself into a separation. I was stunned. I know that our marriage is not perfect. But I’ve been mostly content, and I thought he was, too. Now I feel like I have no choice but to let him do whatever he feels is necessary. Otherwise, he’s going to mope around and dwell on how miserable he is being married to me. Is there anything that I can do?”

What Not To Do In Response To His Unhappiness: In my experience, there are a few things you can do. My husband’s declarations of unhappiness came a few months / several weeks before he actually left for a separation. Unfortunately for me, I saw it as my mission in life to change his mind. I did this out of fear, so my behavior was understandable. But all this did was make my husband more determined NOT to change his mind. Rather than try to work with him and give him a little space and time, I clung more tightly and insisted that he did not need it. As a result, he distanced himself from me.

The cycle got even worse when I tried to force him to see or talk to me. After a few weeks of this, he pretty much went the other way when he saw me coming, and getting back in his good graces was a very gradual, and at times, a difficult process.

Understand That Your Marriage May Not Be The Sole Cause Of His Unhappiness: I know that hearing him speak of his unhappiness and your marriage in the same sentence is upsetting. But please know that it is very common for men to project their discontent in other areas of their lives onto the person or thing that is most immediate and close to them –  which in this case, is you and your marriage. This isn’t fair. And they are often completely wrong about the source of their unhappiness. Often, their jobs, their outlook, aging, and their perceived status are as much to blame as you and your marriage. But, sometimes if you try to point out this fallacy to your husband, he will insist that you just do not want to face reality and he will pull away.

It may be counter-intuitive, but you actually want to encourage him to take inventory and do what is necessary to carve out a happier life for himself. You might encourage him to seek counseling or ask him to list the sources of his unhappiness in order from the most problematic to the least (with any luck, he will see that you are not the main source.)

Encouraging His Happiness While Saving Your Marriage: Having your husband actually leave for his “space” can be incredibly scary. I seriously thought that this was one of the worst days of my life. If you can avoid it, I would not recommend it. Try offering him some space without the need to move out. Stress that you want him to improve his happiness level and are completely behind him so that he knows that by staying home, he isn’t giving up his quest for happiness. You might try, “Hearing you speak like this makes me very unhappy also. You’re absolutely right. You deserve to be happy. I’m more than willing to give you space. I’d ask that you don’t move out. Please trust that you don’t need to move for me to give you some room. If you define how you want this to work, I will make it happen. I will do whatever I can to help you. You just let me know what you need.”

When you are this accomodating, most men will agree to “try” a trial period where he stays home and you back away some. You must follow through. I know that it is so tempting to cling and ask for reassurance. But this is the worst thing that you can do. Now is a good time to work on yourself, seek individual counseling to strengthen yourself, and reach out to friends to stay busy. All of these things will help so that you aren’t holding on too tightly. Honestly, sometimes you have to do precisely the opposite of what your scared self wants to do. Confidence, patience, and a steady stance are going to be much more attractive to your husband than desperation and fear. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.

Understand His Line In The Sand: I completely understand that you are in a difficult position. You likely think of your marriage in very different terms than your husband’s portrayal of the same. I know you may be tempted to point out the flaws in his thinking. But when he tells you that he’s not been happy “for years,” understand that he’s making a very strong statement. As you may suspect, he’s likely convinced himself that he’s been living at a deficit for quite some time. You aren’t likely to convince him that he is wrong with your words. You are likely going to have to take some action and then allow him to see the flaws in his thinking for himself.

Actually stepping back and giving the “space” was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  But my mistakes meant that I no longer had any choice.  This desperation move actually worked to my benefit. If it helps, the story of how I turned this all around and saved my marriage is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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