My Husband Says He “Doesn’t Know Where We Are” In Our Separation
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives only very reluctantly agree to a marital separation. Being apart from their husband and their marriage is the last thing that they want. But very often, their husband has made it very clear that he is not happy and that he needs some time away from the marriage. The wife has often tried all sorts of strategies to get him to change his mind. None has been successful. So, she reluctantly decides that she has no choice but to go along, but she often vows that the separation needs to end as soon as possible.
To that end, she often looks for clues to try to gauge her husband’s thought process. She wants to know if things are getting better or worse. She wants to know if her husband is moving closer to wanting to come back home or further away from that idea. Sometimes, if she has trouble interpreting what she sees, she may directly ask her husband what he is feeling. It can be very confusing and frustrating when he insists that he really has no idea how he feels or where he is in this process.
A wife might explain, “my husband and I have been separated for about seven weeks. When he initially asked me for a separation, he made it sound as if living apart would be very temporary and that he would be back home before I knew it. Unfortunately, this is not what has happened. I am unsure if he was misleading me all along by trying to make the separation seem like it would take a shorter amount of time than it actually has. But when I try to ask questions to help me figure out when he might come home, I hit a brick wall. It’s like he’s purposely trying to shut this line of questioning down. The other day I got frustrated with this, so I straight up asked him where he thought we were in our separation. He asked me to clarify what I meant. I explained that I wanted to know if he thought we were in the middle of our separation or toward the end. I told him that I wanted to know if he was starting to feel like he might come home. His response to me was that he “didn’t know where we are” right now. He said that his feelings seem to change all of the time and that he just needs more time. I tried to press him on why his feelings were changing and what I could do to make things better. He said that there is really nothing that I can do and that he just needs to sort things out for himself. This is very frustrating to me. I almost feel as if he’s being untruthful, but I am not sure that there is anything that I can do about it. What does it mean when a spouse says he’s not sure where you are in your separation?”
I definitely have some theories about this because I heard similar sentiments during my own separation. I don’t think that you necessarily have to panic about this. Sometimes, your husband is being honest. Men who ask for space or time sometimes need more time than they initially anticipated. There are various reasons for this (as well as reasons as to why he may not have a good handle on his feelings) which I will discuss below.
Men Who Initially Wanted Space Often Refuse To Be Rushed: One of the most common reasons that a spouse will try to delay or thwart you when you demand answers about his thought process is that he simply wants the time and space that he’s asked you for. Yes, he’s getting much more time than he originally represented, but, in his mind, he wants to make sure that any decision that he makes in regards to your marriage is actually the right decision. Many men who ask for “space” do so because they want to be free from outside factors that might muddy their thought process. They feel like having you right beside them 24 / 7 might cloud their true feelings or the best course of action. Deadlines and demands for information can look exactly the same way to them. Imposing a deadline may make them feel like they don’t have the time to properly evaluate the right path to take.
He Could Be Extremely Truthful Right Now. He May Not Know Where You Are: I think that the next likely scenario is that your husband is being completely truthful when he says that he doesn’t yet know where you are. Often, separated spouses are looking for signs of improvement and change. It may be that he wants to see your issues being addressed before he makes this evaluation. It may be that he wants to see his feelings shift or improve. He may be looking for an easier rapport, communication, or an increased connection or attraction between the two of you. Whatever it is that he is looking for, it could be that he’s not seeing enough of it yet (or he’s seeing it, but he wants to make sure that it’s sustainable and that lasts.) Sometimes, it’s not that he absolutely doesn’t want to move back home. It’s that he doesn’t want to move back until he’s absolutely sure that your marriage is recovered and can endure.
Things That You Can Try To Speed Things Along: I hope that this article does not come off as insensitive. In truth, I’m very sympathetic to this situation as I was in it myself. I made many mistakes because I was so fearful that my husband was never coming back home. So I pushed. I demanded answers. And all of these things got me was a husband who wanted to be away from me that much more. It wasn’t until I forced myself (by artificial means) to finally give my husband his space and to work on myself and on the issues that I knew were hurting our marriage that I saw actual improvement. Unfortunately, this improvement was very gradual. I often had to settle for much less than I wanted at the time. But it was worth it because our marriage has endured. Yes, I had to delay satisfaction and gratification and things felt very lonely at that time. But today is so much better. I know that your husband’s being vague is painful. But don’t allow this to become a desperate situation. It’s not time to panic yet. Just make the improvements that you can and continue to have patience. Those things will put you in the best position to ultimately get what you want.
You can read about how I finally figured out the right strategy for a reluctant husband at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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