Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are dealing with a spouse who doesn’t think that the couple has the commitment or the tools in order to save their marriage. Sometimes, it becomes obvious that one spouse has the commitment and determination for both people. But the spouse who is reluctant to try will often proclaim that he just doesn’t feel prepared or willing to attempt the large task of saving the marriage. This can leave the hopeful spouse wondering if they are going to have to attempt this alone.

An example of what you might hear in this type of situation is something like this: “my husband is telling me that he is not capable of saving our marriage. My husband’s big complaint – and the entire reason that he feels that we should get a divorce – is that we are opposites in terms of our personality. I am a very affectionate and touchy type of person. I need hugs, kisses, and reassurance and I like to give the same to my husband. But he is very introverted and he rarely shows affection. I like to travel. I am not a planner. I am always late. My husband wants to stay at home in his safe little cocoon and he rarely wants to break out of his routine. I have told him that I need more from him. I have told him that he doesn’t make me feel secure. So I’ve asked him to go with me to counseling so that we can both learn to be better. He told me that he’s not willing to do this. Basically he told me: ‘I don’t have it in me to save this marriage. I will never be what you want me to be. I am never going to be the life of the party and I will never be a world traveler. I will never be comfortable with public displays of affection and this is what you want. I just don’t have it in me to change and I am not willing to even attempt it.’  See what I mean? How am I supposed to respond to this? And does my marriage even stand a chance if my husband isn’t even willing to try to make things better?”

I know first hand the challenge that you are facing when you know that you might have to save your marriage all by yourself. But I also know first hand that it can be done because I have done it. But, I do have to admit that my husband and I were not polar opposites as in this case. However, I have seen that scenario work out as well. The key to it as incredible amounts of compromise. But what happens when one spouse thinks that he isn’t willing to compromise? Well, you have to ease him into it very gradually. I will discuss this more below.

Be Willing To Compromise Before You Attempt To Ask Him To Do The Same: I know that it can feel really unfair to have to take the initiative and do all of the bending. But unfortunately, sometimes, this is just what it takes, especially at first. In order to make him even entertain the idea that saving your marriage is going to be possible, you will often have to show him rather than tell him. In other words, it’s usually not very effective to say things like: “you’ll see. I can change. I’ll show you that I’m going to change and you’re going to change too. Wait and see.” Instead, you want to just show him real change without really making announcements or proclamations about it. The reason for this is that if you announce what you’re going to do, your spouse might resist you. Or, you might be met with doubt that would not have otherwise been present if you didn’t give him a preview of what you were going to try to attempt.

So, you might just start out staying home for a set number of nights without complaint.  Try to see things from your spouse’s point of view.  His lifestyle makes him feel safe and comfortable.  So, you might offer him the affection that you already know that he is comfortable with and not expect or ask for anything in return. Do not criticize him or ask for more early in the process. Typically, he will start to be a little more upbeat when he sees that you are no longer asking for him to step outside of his comfort zone and you aren’t criticizing him. At that point, you are just waiting for him to make one smile stride. This might be offering you more reassurance or being a tiny bit more adventurous. The point is, as soon as the opportunity is there, take it. Praise any little effort he makes and brag about him in front of others. Then, allow him to go back to his comfort zone for a little while and repeat the process again.

You want him to associate doing what he knows you want more of as a pleasurable experience rather than a painful one. Because once this happens, he will be much more willing to give a little bit. Notice that I didn’t use the word change. There’s a reason for that. I don’t believe that people can completely change their psychological make up for someone else, especially not in a long term relationship. And if you attempt to force him to do this, he will often resent it or hear it as criticism.

But to answer the original question, your husband may not think that he has it in him to save your marriage, but you can overcome this. It’s my suggestion that you don’t ask him to be who you both know he isn’t. Instead, you should show him that the two of you can coexist quite blissfully without either of you needing to give up your identities or comfort levels.

As I alluded to, one of the reasons that my husband wanted to separate from me was because he thought we had different life goals and priorities.  I had to show him that this wasn’t the deal breaker that he thought it was.  Telling him this did no good.  I had to show him.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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