My Husband Says He Doesn’t Feel Loved And Respected. What Now?
by: leslie cane: I often hear from women whose husbands have issues or some sort of complaint about their marriage. Usually, the complaint is so big or troublesome that the wife worries that it will lead to separation or divorce. I recently heard from a wife whose husband was alluding to the fact that the marriage no longer gave him what he needed to feel happy, respected, and secure. In fact, the husband was telling his wife that being married to her was emotionally draining to him.
She said in part: “my husband told me that I don’t make him feel loved and respected in our marriage. He says that I constantly take him for granted and seem to put my own needs before his. He says it’s obvious that I care more about myself than him because I’m only concerned with my own feelings. He told me that I never ask him how he feels or what he wants. He says I just act based on what I want and that I never listen to him or ask his opinion about anything and he’s starting to feel like he doesn’t even matter to me. To be honest, I had no idea that he was this unhappy or felt this way. He’s always been solid and I would never think of him as needy, but that’s how he’s acting now. It’s as if I he wants constant reassurance. I’m trying to give him that, but he says it might be too little too late because he doesn’t want to be in a marriage where he doesn’t feel like an equal partner. What can I do to show him that he’s being overly dramatic because I do love and respect him? Just because I don’t constantly slather him with praise and reassurance doesn’t mean there’s a lack of affection and love.”
In the following article, I’ll offer some insights on why your husband may feel this way and what you can do to address it.
Whether You Think What Your Husband Is Saying Is Accurate Or Not, Listen And Offer Your Validation: The wife in this situation was a little annoyed with her husband because he suddenly needed a lot of hand holding that had never been asked for or required before. She felt that he was being a little needy and that the whole thing was silly. While this is understandable, it’s my experience and belief that any time your husband is bothered enough about something to approach you about it, then it’s worth not only listening, but offering validation and action. Wouldn’t you want him to do the same for you? In this situation, the husband was troubled enough that he actually told the wife that he didn’t want to be in a marriage where he didn’t feel loved and respected. This was an incredibly strong statement that should not be ignored.
Although the wife felt that he was being a little overly dramatic, she probably shouldn’t let her husband know that she felt this way. Instead, she should listen without interruption or judgment and offer some physical support. She should look at him while he is speaking, hold his hand if possible, and lean in so that he knows that his concerns are being listened to and prioritized. Then, it’s always a good idea to repeat back what has been said so that the other person knows that not only are you listening, but you’re also trying to understand exactly how best to proceed. You might also ask some direct questions like: “what could I do to make you feel more loved and respected? What kinds of things would help you to feel more secure?” Anything that you can do to get very direct and pointed information is going to make your job a lot easier.
Be careful about the tone of your voice. It probably took a lot of internal debate and struggle for your husband to come to you with this concern. You don’t want for him to be sorry that he brought it up. You want for him to know that he can come to you with any concern and that you will do your best to fix and address it because you love him and would want for him to do the same for you.
Ways To Make Your Husband Feel Loved And Respected: Now that we’ve discussed how you should react, let’s discuss what to do after you’ve had this conversation. The wife wasn’t sure how to act around her husband after his declaration. She felt like she had been showing him a decent amount of love and respect all along. She wondered if he expected to be coddled or catered to because she certainly didn’t intend to do either of those things.
The key here is to listen to the verbal clues the husband has offered. He had pretty much spelled things out to her when he’d said that he never really listens and she acts without taking his ideas, feelings or wishes into consideration. Basically he was asking to be heard and then to be part of the process. Frankly, this wasn’t too much to ask.
Moving forward, the wife could just begin to watch her interactions with her husband very carefully. Every time she had the chance to really listen to him, she should take full advantage of this. No one was saying that she had to be overly accommodating, but men and husbands aren’t really that different from us in this regard. Sometimes, we think that because they seem physically stronger, they must not need our reassurance and attention. This assumption just is not true. They want to feel loved, heard, validated, and respected in the same way that we do. And sometimes, because they are the person who is closest to us, we tend to assume that they know how we feel when they think it would be nice if we would show them once in a while because they feel taken for granted.
Every one wants to know and believe that their spouse cares enough to really stop, listen and understand how they think and feel and then to respond accordingly. Frankly, really listening intently is one of the greatest gifts that you can give your spouse. This one simple thing can greatly improve your marriage. So listening would be the first place where I placed my attention, focus and priority. Then, the wife should consider involving the husband more in any decision process. This seemed like such a little and petty thing with the wife, but clearly it was a big thing to the husband. It shouldn’t take a lot of adjusting to include him more.
Finally, so that the husband no longer felt taken for granted the wife should turn her attention to showing a little more physical and emotional affection. Doing these three things would hopefully begin to improve the situation. Quick and decisive action really is important because people who feel unappreciated and taken for granted will often internalize and over react to any little slight. So it can be important (at least at first) to not give him anything to reinforce these negative feelings and doubts.
I wish that I had listened to my own husband more when he told me that he was feeling taken for granted and disrespected. My inability to act almost costs me my marriage. There was actually a time when my husband was absolutely sure that our marriage was at it’s end. I suspected it wasn’t too late to change things and to save our marriage. Thank goodness I listened to my heart. With a bit of effort and trying new things, I was able to save the marriage. You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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