Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have been trying all sorts of tactics in order to get their husband to be committed to and interested in their marriage once again. They might threaten to leave. They might try to become more independent so that their attention is not focused solely on their husband. They may threaten a separation or a divorce in the hopes that this will motivate him to actually do something. But when these efforts fail, the wife is left wondering what, if anything, might actually work. Or, if perhaps nothing will, especially when their husband is claiming to not care what they do.

I might hear a comment like: “for the past year or so, my husband has been very distant and cold. I can’t quite put my finger on why he is so unhappy. It started at work. But then the work situation eventually resolved itself and he continued to be unhappy regardless. He started becoming more and more selfish with his time and with his affection. He doesn’t always come home right after work and has started spending more and more time at the gym. I’d suspect him of an affair, but he doesn’t seem interested in anyone or anything, so it’s hard for me to believe that he could actually make the time and effort for another woman. Last week, he forgot our anniversary and when I confronted him about it, he acted as if I was completely overreacting. It didn’t seem to faze him that I was angry. I seethed about this for a while and then I decided that I was going to tell him that if he didn’t begin to show me the slightest amount of respect and put a little time and effort in our marriage, then I was going to leave him. His response to me was: ‘I don’t care what you do. If you really need to leave, go ahead.’ This made me stop in my tracks. Because now, I don’t know what to do. I didn’t really want to leave. I wanted him to act right. And now I’m in a situation where I either have to make good on my threat or I have to just accept him treating me this way. What now?”

Determine The Source Of His Unhappiness If You Can: I’m not sure that you have to just accept him treating you this way, although it’s possible that this is his hope and his strategy. There are several reasons that he might be acting this way. First, he could be trying to posture in order to get you to accept less. In short, he may actually be quite concerned about your leaving but he doesn’t want to show you this because doing so would mean that he would actually have to make a change. So, in order to avoid this, he may try to get you to back off a little bit. To put it plainly, he’s calling your bluff.

Why I Think Leaving Should Be A Last Resort And A Very Honest Conversation Should Come First: Second, he may feel that, for whatever reason, he’s not as invested in the marriage so he may genuinely think that he doesn’t care which route you take, and this might only change once he actually sees how it feels to be forced to live his life without you. Of course, most people see that as a very last resort and I agree. There is always a risk when one spouse leaves the home. I believe that it makes sense to try other things before you do something that is so drastic.

I’d suggest at least attempting to clear the air before you have to revisit leaving. You might try something like: “it was a mistake for me to threaten you in the way that I did and I apologize for that. It wasn’t fair of me to threaten you with leaving. I take our marriage very seriously and giving you an ultimatum wasn’t the right way to handle it. I am hoping that my handling this in the wrong way is at least one reason why you said that you don’t care what I do. Because I hope that it’s not true. It hurt me to hear it. And it will hurt me even more if it turns into our reality. It’s obvious to me that you haven’t been completely invested in our marriage for the last year. It seems as if something is bothering you, but I haven’t quite been able to get to the bottom of what it is. I can’t help you, and I can’t make adjustments, if you don’t share with me what is wrong. I can tell that you aren’t happy. And it doesn’t make me happy to see you unfulfilled. We both deserve happiness, so I’m asking you to work with me to uncover the source of what is truly off with us. If you can share with me what’s wrong, I’d like to work with you on making it right – without any threats or ultimatums. Just two adults working together to make things better. Can we do that?”

I can’t guarantee that he is going to immediately open up. But I can tell you that it’s my experience that you’re going to get more cooperation from him if you approach him from a place of wanting to help him instead of from a place of wanting to threaten him. It’s possible that he didn’t mean what he said about not caring and that he was only responding negatively because of your threat. Now, it’s time to test that theory by trying to communicate openly.

I honestly think that my marital problems escalated to a separation because I didn’t try to talk before things got so blown out of proportion.   I knew that warning signs were there, but I didn’t want to face the conflict.  I did save my marriage, but it was a very difficult time and I firmly believe that if I had done more maintenance, the separation might have never happened.  Never ignore warning signs and never pass up the chance for maintenance. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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