Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have been telling their husband that they are considering leaving the home or the marriage. Some are sincere about this. They are unhappy and feel that taking a break by leaving may be the best thing at the time. Others are not exactly serious about leaving. It is not uncommon for a wife who dreads a separation to threaten that very thing in order to get her husband to reassure her that there will be NO separation. The wives are threatening to leave in the hopes that their husband will ask them not to (or they will at least get a reaction out of him to show that he still cares.) I know that this sounds weird, but I guess in times of fear and anxiety, people can come to believe that reverse psychology is a sound strategy. However, when that strategy fails, the person who initiated it can wonder what happens now. And of course, they fear the separation that they never wanted in the first place.

Unfortunately, sometimes this backfires. The wife will announce her intention to leave and hope that her husband will try to stop her. Instead, her husband will tell her that he really doesn’t care if she stays or goes. This leaves her unsure of how to proceed. Does she go when she really doesn’t want to in order to save face or make a point? Or does she cave and simply tell him that she changed her mind? And what does her husband’s indifference say about the state of her marriage or her ability to save it?

She might say, “my husband and I have been fighting pretty badly for almost four months. Things are definitely not happy at home. However, I don’t think that we are dealing with horrific, insurmountable things in the way that my husband seems to believe. For a while, my husband was apartment hunting and was telling me that he was going to move out, but he never actually did. Still, he complained constantly. I got tired of hearing him complain, so I told him that I was going to leave so he wouldn’t have to be so unhappy. Now, I’m going to be honest. I really hoped that he would confess that he really doesn’t want for us to live apart, which is why he hadn’t actually signed a lease or moved out yet. Instead, his exact words to me were: ‘I really don’t care if you stay or go.’ He just sort of shrugged his shoulders and said that nothing really changes between us no matter what we do. So now I am stuck knowing that my husband doesn’t care if we live together or not. Now, I am unsure about how to proceed. This hurts me. I had hoped that his not moving out meant that he was willing to save our marriage, but now he acts as if he is indifferent as to whether we live together or not. I don’t want to pack my stuff and leave, but what do I even say now? How do I avoid not having to leave my house? Do I just have to admit that I gambled and lost and that my marriage is over?”

Perspective And Posturing: If everyone who ever threatened to leave their marriage ended up divorced, the divorce rate would be much higher than it actually is. Many couples make these sorts of threats in the heat of the moment and nothing actually comes of them. The threats are understandable. They are usually made because things are bad, but nothing actually changes. So one of the spouses decides to shake things up by threatening to leave. The hope is the other spouse will beg them not to go and will then have to craft a plan to make things better. Frankly, your husband might have done exactly the same thing when he threatened to leave previously. He did not make good on the threat and I don’t believe that you have to, either, especially if you really don’t want to go.

Backing Up:  From my own experience, I  know that it can be challenging to save your marriage when you live in two different places. So, I would not recommend that route unless you have no other choice. That said, some people do believe that space actually helped to save their marriage. (I agree with this and believe that space helped my marriage also. However, I believe that my husband could have gotten space without needing to move out in the long term. But I could not get him to agree with this.) In your case, you may still have a chance to reverse your husband’s thought process.

So you might try something like, “well, you may not care if I leave or stay, but I have decided that I care very much. I said what I did because I was frustrated. I have calmed down and thought about it and, if I’m being honest, I really don’t want to leave. I think of instead of us both getting angry and threatening to leave, we could turn our energy toward making things better between us so that no one has to go. I feel like there is so much potential between us since we used to be so happy. I’d prefer not to leave and live alone. I am hopeful that if we work together, neither of us will need to go. One of us moving out is such a serious decision. I regret making that decision hastily and I’d like for us to give a fair try to being happy again. I’m willing to do counseling or to change my focus. I’m willing to work with you to make some positive changes. I will listen to whatever suggestions you have about what might make you happier. I think we’ve grown apart because we are not investing as much time in our marriage. This would not be too difficult to remedy. I’ll listen to anything you have to say, but I think that us living apart might force our hand and I don’t feel like I’m ready for that yet.”

Offering The Reassurance You Both Want: Yes, saying this will make you feel vulnerable, may feel awkward, and requires that you are the bigger person.  But it will hopefully buy you some time. After you have cleared the air, hopefully no one will need to threaten to leave in the hopes that the other will ask them not to go. Because in essence, you will have accomplished what you are both hoping for – the reassurance that with work, no one will have to leave, because no one really wants to separate.

Of course, after this discussion, you will need to make good on your plan to improve things.  But the good news is that if you can right the ship, the threats to leave should stop since there will no longer be any reason to leave.  I wish I had been brave enough to do this in my own marriage.  We ended up separated and almost divorced.  It would have been smart to avoid the separation because reconciling was a long process. You can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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