Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who fully realize and admit that their failing marriage is mostly their fault. Many are fully aware that they have made grave mistakes and that their husband is justified in wanting to separate or end their marriage. But this doesn’t mean that they want to give up.

A wife might say: “I’ve made so many mistakes in my marriage. I had an affair. I have lied to my husband. I’ve got us into credit card debt. I’ve lost jobs and worked sporadically. I haven’t been the best wife. Of course, now that my husband is fed up with me and wants a divorce, I can see very clearly where I went wrong. I am very sincere in wanting to change. I’m very determined to be a good wife if he would just give me the chance. But when I tell him this, he says he just doesn’t have it in him to forgive me anymore. He says I’ve just made too many mistakes and that he just doesn’t trust or believe in me because I have damaged our marriage too much. In my heart, I know that I deserve this, but I also know that I would change and could make him happy if he would give me the chance. What should I do?”

I can’t offer any guarantees. The decision in this situation was the husband’s to make. However, I don’t think that this situation is hopeless either. I have seen these types of scenarios turn around more than once. But I think there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about it, which I will discuss below.

Make Your Your Husband’s Needs Your Number One Priority. Back Away From Your Need For Forgiveness: I know that right about now, it feels as if your first priority is to somehow get your husband to forgive you one last time. But if you place your focus here, your husband is likely to think that, once again, you are making it all about you and you are asking for more than you are willing to give. He may well think that it’s too little too late, especially if, once again, your focus in on what he can do for you.

In my experience and observation, you will have more success if you make your husband the focus instead of yourself. What can you do for him? What can you do to show him that you understand what he wants and needs? Consider backing off of the pressure that you are placing on him to forgive you and focus instead on just being there for him and just improving whatever relationship he will allow you to have with him. If he’s focused on friendship or just being cordial, accept that for now. Be grateful for what he gives you and don’t appear greedy or insensitive by asking for more. It should be clear that your focus and concern is him rather than yourself.

Prove Yourself To Be Someone Who Is Worthy Of Eventual Forgiveness: You should also be aware that one additional challenge you face is your husband’s suspicion that anything you do or say is only meant to get him to forgive you. So if you are promising your husband change, understand that he is likely to have his doubts.

One way to overcome these doubts is to just show up and continue to do exactly what you have promised. Be unwavering in your dedication to show (rather than tell) him how you have changed. Don’t give him empty promises and meaningless words. Allow him to witness the improvements that you have made first hand. Keep doing this until he sincerely believes you.

It’s OK if this takes some time. Your husband is worth the effort. And, at the end of the day, you want him to not only forgive you but you also want a healthy and happy marriage that lasts well beyond the issues that you are having today. So anything that you are doing is paving the way for your marriage tomorrow. Don’t take the short, easy, and insincere road. Look at your long-term goals and conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of. Your husband will be more likely to believe in your sincerity if you continue to do this. As such, he will also be more likely to believe that you deserve forgiveness and will be comfortable in offering the same eventually.

I have to admit that there were times when I was selfish in my marriage and my husband responded accordingly with wanting a separation. At first, my focus was on getting him to forgive me. But this backfired. He was tired of me wanting him to do things for me. Once I placed the focus on him, things changed for the better. If it helps, you can read the entire story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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